43 Years A Man...

I lay awake at night, I'm a very sad man, 
I've soaked pillows with my emotions, 

I've spent hours whoring over obsessions, 

I'm feeling guilty, a life without a plan. 

43 years a man, still feeling crucified, 

43 years a man, still living life blind, 

43 years a man, plagued with the question why, 

43 years a man, 43 years? 

Time has just passed by... 

For me, love is a gathering storm, waiting for the inevitable destruction, 

Have I conditioned myself this way?

Yes, 

If I start feeling good, I start feeling suppressed, 

In my bedroom its stopped raining, I realised my miserable fixation.

I like to look at old photos because I've forgotten who I was,

I used to have a purpose, now I just reminisce to fill the void, 

All that I have is my heart, I'm afraid time is passing by and that isn't enough, 

I'm trying to reach deep down in my soul, I'm afraid this tired body is giving up.

43 years a man, still feeling crucified, 

43 years a man, still living life blind, 

43 years a man, plagued with the question why, 

43 years a man, 43 years? 

Time has just passed by... 

Moments between the silence and madness is where I listen to unwanted voices, 

Whispering words of not being worthy, cascading down like poison, 

If I'm broken I'd just like to know, then I can build a new life on acceptance, 

Instead, I feel with this reality I'm not coping and serving a heavy sentence. 

It's hard to believe with such love around me I feel lost, tired and alone, 

Watching people be happy makes me happy, but I'm still behind that window,

Looking into a life that's not in my head, seems to be a life worth while,

I've torn myself into pieces searching with no avail, If I fall, I fall knowing I've tried. 

So, don't worry mam and dad... 

I'm 43 years a man,

I hope you're proud.