Since my poetry writing is so awful, and so wildly ignored on here, I decided I would try another vein of spreading the joy of poetry and it’s knowledge, so that we may all be enlightened, and discover new things, without the pain of having to read my works.
I found this trivia site called Poetrypants(it’s a combination of the wonderful world of poetry amidst the backdrop of an attractive set of argyle slacks), and I thought you guys might enjoy guessing the answers, and maybe learning a few things about some famous poems, and the artists who created them.
And also! There will be some great prizes for whomever gets the most right! (Note: Unfortunately, Marionette ate all the reserves of sqwackle, so we don’t have that, but we have some other great giveaways).
Johnny, tell them what they can win!
‘We have a melon baller, some chicken flavored lip balm, and a torso, Matt!’
(Note: I’m not sure where the torso came from, so don’t ask, but it’s a nice one!). End of note.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy the quiz, and maybe learn something you did not know about our craft, or the people who wrote the world’s most famous poetry.
OK Kids, trivia time! Let’s Go! (C’mon Marionette, wake up).
1. The classic poem Stopping By the Woods On a Snowy Evening, by Robert Frost(my favorite poem, by the way), was actually quite differently themed, prior to editing, when he first wrote it. Can you tell me what the original theme, or inspiration, of the poem was?
Answer: Frost had to pee! (He had actually stopped his carriage at a local 7-11 to purchase some tweezers, and ended up consuming 3 Dr. Pibb Big Gulps before he left, hence the inspiration for him stopping, and the original poem). Note: the original first two lines read as such:
“Whose woods are these, I think I know,
But man, I’ve really got to go!”
2. In Shelley’s ‘The Seven Yaks of Tiberia’, how many yaks did the beautiful, yet gangly, Tiberia, actually possess?
b). The square root of 19
c). None. Yaks weren’t invented yet.
Answer: d. – 12. Percy was never very good in the mathematics field, and once gave Wordsworth $75.00 in change on a $2.00 purchase of some socks, when he was employed at Muldoon’s Department Store in Sussex. Note: he was terminated soon after this transaction, and, thank God for us, took up poetry. Interesting, huh?
3. Muckles the Clown was a character in what famous Shakespeare sonnet?
a). A Tree House for Flobbin
b). The Crestfallen Banana
c). Milvert’s Chickens
d). Mitzi’s Lobes
Answer: d. – Mitzi’s Lobes. If you recall, Mitzi was a tragic character whose lobes were so big, she looked like a shrew. Her boyfriend, Romaneo, loved her dearly, but was forbidden to see her because of those enormous lobes. The two hatch a plan to commit suicide so that they may be together forever in death, but Muckles intervenes, making great fun of Mitzi’s lobes, and Romaneo accidentally laughs causing great consternation from Mitzi, and she runs off with a shrew. Beautiful, yet tragic.
4. As we all know, Ralph Waldo Emerson was a very clumsy poet. During an extremely injurious time in his life, he wrote his classic ‘I Think My Spleen Hurts.’ However, this was actually part of a trilogy of poems describing various bodily injuries. What other two areas of his body were afflicted at this time?
a). The groin, and the inner ear
b). His Hippocampus and adenoids
c). The leg, and other leg
d). G*netalia and nostril
Answer: d. – G*netalia and nostril. Emerson was fascinated with anvils, and often carried one around during various poetry conventions. During one particularly mundane reading by Wadsworth in Brussels, Emerson nodded off and dropped his favorite anvil directly into his lap! Ouch. Upon the heavy steel crashing down on his nether regions, he leapt up, and smashed his nose on Lord Byron’s pancreas, hence the 2 other poems of the trilogy, Ouch! My Groin!, and The Tumescent Proboscis, and Byron’s pancreatic classic ‘The Parrots of Transgression.’
5. The Haiku, as you may know, is a 3 line, 9 consonant, 2 piece of punctuation, poem that means absolutely nothing.
What famous Haiku was penned in 1842 extolling the virtues of ferrets?
a). Meat, The Untold Story
b). The Hippos of Oxford
c). If Ferrets Were You
d). A Shiny New Penny for Bruce
Answer: b. – The Hippos of Oxford. Again, Haiku’s are extremely confusing, and strange, and for some reason hippos meant ferrets, and were in enrolled in some economics classes at a prestigious college.
6. In the film adaptation of E.E. Cummings’ lengthy, yet monotonous, poem ‘Lucifer’s Chickens’, who played the love interest, Harriet Mulefinder, to Lippy Stevens(played by Leonardo DiCaprio)?
a). Myrna Loy
b). Coochie Rodriguez
c). Jim Varney
d). Phyllis Diller
Answer: b. – Coochie Rodriguez. The producers(Flemm and Noze) were looking for a demure, quiet, almost shy actress for the role of the unassuming Harriet Mulefinder, and thought Myrna Loy would be perfect! Until they realized she was deceased, after she didn’t answer her door for 3 months. They decide on the boisterous, young Spanish girl after she brought homemade burritos to the set. Note: much sought after Varney was embroiled in the critically acclaimed masterpiece Ernest Goes To Hollywood, and was also unavailable at the time.
7. In Maya Angelou’s classic poetic conundrum, Filbert’s Lament, what decision was the gregarious, yet whiny, Filbert regretting?
a). The fact that he’d worn his pearl, iridescent shirt, and blue cummerbund with sweat pants, to Margie Flushbottoms 93rd Birthday soiree?
b). His decision to order the ‘slappy’ burrito for dinner instead of the braised escargot at Enrey’s Discount Chalet, for dinner?
c). The fact that he had a burrito lodged in his nostril?
d). All of the above.
Answer: a, b, and c! not d. Philbert’s mom(Coochie Hernandez) had warned him that sweat pants were a no-no with formal wear, but Philbert insisted that the two halves of his body were completely different entities, and no one would notice. When he arrived at the posh gathering at Enrey’s, his leg ended up ordering the burrito, which was later deposited directly into his nostril by an awkward Franconian waiter, when he tripped on some goulash. Sad story by Maya.
8. In ‘Things In My Nostril: The Definitive Lists’, by Ralph Waldo Emerson, what versatile substance does Mr. Emerson discover ‘up in there’ that is causing disturbing mouth breathing issues during an otherwise tranquil bagpipe concerto?
a). Verne Lundquist
c). Some seaweed
d). Monkey taters
e). All of the above
Answer: b. – Sqwackle! Yes, Cheerie and Marionette, sqwackle has been around for hundreds of years, and once mysteriously got into Waldo’s nasal passages while he was sleeping! Oh that crazy sqwackle! Gosh, it’s fum.
9. Edgar Allan Poe’s horrifying, yet lethargic, classic ‘All Of The Above’ recounts a tale of a family of Yemenites who harbor a group of Amish in their cellar for no apparent reason, besides the fact that they don’t like their non-use of toasters. As their guilt and shame eventually begins to filter through, they start to lose their sanity, and begin seeing apparitions bearing a striking resemblance to Thomas’ English Muffins, and are driven to the edge by their mysterious lack of butter.
This cliff hanging tale’s Part 2 culmination was penned by Poe under what title?
a). Some Of The Above
b). a., b., and c.
c). None of the Above
d). All Of the Above 2: The Return of Skywalker.
Answer: I have no idea. All…or none…or some of this is totally confusing to me…thank God Skywalker is back!
10. (Here’s one for our wonderful Cheerie, The Love Laminator). In Wordsworth’s most famous love poem, If I Gave You My Heart….Would You Carefully Monitor My HDL?’ what does Wordy(I call him Wordy…he doesn’t seem to mind) refer to his love interest, Verna Squibkick’s eyes as?
a). A gentle azure sea, with violent fires beneath.
b). gelatinous blobs.
c). Them olives with the red thing in them.
d). Bouncy balls.
Answer: c. – Them olives with the red thing in them. Wordy was working on his 4th martini on a break at a writing seminar in Muskegon, and was quite amorous, but also a little freaked out, because it looked like his drink was ‘eyeballin’ him. He nearly got into a fight with it, but eventually wrote the love sonnet instead. The lines read:
“A fairer sight ne’er graced God’s kingdom,
As olives with that red thing in them.”
11. Chaucer’s The Perils of Vigorous Gargling, is often considered one of the finest pieces of literature of the 14th century that does not contain the letter ‘Q’. What type of mouthwash is implied throughout this fascinating, yet hygienic, allegory?
a). Pine Sol
c). Cherry Schnapps
Answer: d. – Lavoris. As he you may recall, he states: ‘Oh, let me not gargle too closely to the minotaur’s of death! As I’m using a refreshing liquid which rhymes with Delores!’ in the last, fatal scene.
12. Poetry has been around for millions of years. Forms of it can be traced back to the Neanderthals, as scientists have recently deciphered some of their drawings on cave walls, as poetic dissertations! See if you can match up these descriptions of their drawings, with the actual names of the poems they were composing.
1. Pea-sized organ inside the head of a Caveman with dumbfounded look on his face.
2. A wooly mammoth with heart-shaped floaties all around it, next to a Cavemen with a clothespin on his nose.
3. Dead caveman guy, lying on ground with bloody hole in chest, another caveguy holding what looks like some type of internal organ above a campfire.
Caveman Poem Names:
a). My Heart Is Like That Burny Thing That Grog Invented By Rubbing Two Sticks Together!
b). If I Had A More Developed Brain, I Would Purchase This Flat Rock We Live On for You!
c). Your Beauty Is Reminiscent of a Wooly Mammoth, But Much Less Smelly.
Answers: 1-b, 2-c, 3-a.
See, even those Neanderthal’s were romantic devils. Sigh. ‘Cave love is good love’ (actual Caveman bumper sticker!).
OK, how are you doing Kids? We’re reaching the homestretch of the challenge(thank God!), and these next few questions may determine our winner, as they are a little more difficult, and therefore are worth 10 points apiece. Please answer carefully, as they are not multiple choice, and only correctly spelled answers will be deemed right…unless I’ve misspelled something, and then it must match mine. OK, here we go Kids!
13. In the poem, A Monocle for Pepe’ by Rudyard Kipling, for what did the hero, Vampus Rumpa, trade his socks?
Answer: Some cheese! Camambert, to be exact(yes, spelled incorrectly, like I’ve spelled it!). As you may recall, Franz Ripplepants, the antagonist, loves grilled cheese sandwiches, but is unable to obtain them due to his lack of slacks. Rumpa, angry at Pepe’ for procuring the monocle he desired, decides that if he can’t have the one-eyed spectacles, he will make life miserable for every human being he knows! Unfortunately for Ripplepants, Rumpa only knows him, and he throws the cheese upon the ground to exasperate Franz. However, much to Rumpa’s chagrin, Ripplepants enacts a ‘3 second rule’, and absconds with the cheese, thwarting Rumpa’s revenge, and creating a delicious lunch…until his spleen falls out.
Oh, that crazy Rudyard!
14. Emily Dickinson wrote ‘An Artists Guide for Creating Effective Poetry’ in 1864, after constant nagging by Lord Byron in the form of ‘teach me how to write like you!’ annoyed her to no end.
In her third, most famous, chapter, she reveals 7 phrases that should definitely NOT be used when writing romantic poetry.
Match these phrases with the alternatives she recommended for creating a more romantic, gently worded, piece:
Do NOT ever use in love poetry! Alternatives suggested:
1. Monkey Gestation a. Roo Poo
2. Laughter’s Tinkle b. Harold T. Pitts III
3. Big Nose c. Heartache
4. Punch Drunk d. Fowl Extract
5. Carnal Knowledge of Bill with a chimpanzee e. The Netherlands
6. Quadruple Bypass Surgery f. Slap Happy
7. Groin Area g. Abundantly proboscisized
8. Chicken Squeezin’s h. Adorn me with that absorbent undergarment
9. Hairy pits
10. Marsupial Excrement i. Monkey Love
j. Banana-l ripening
(Note: Emily was not that proficient at math either).
Answers: 1. – j, 2. – h, 3. – g, 4. – f, 5. – i, 6. – c, 7. – e, 8. – d, 9. – b, 10. – a.
15. Dante’s classic journey through the Nine Circles of Hell, in the Inferno, actually contained a Tenth ring, prior to editing, at his angry wife’s behest. Mulva Aligheri was incensed when she read about this 10th, original circle, and forced Dante to remove it, but what was the consequence, or punishment, alluded to in it, when terrible sins(such as murder, or wearing chicken feathers on a Thursday) were perpetrated against mankind?
Answer: People relegated to this particularly depraved circle of Hell were condemned to dine on his mother-in-law, Broonhilda’s cooking for all of eternity! Particularly her pot roast, which he likened to ‘ingesting a urinal cake smothered in Basil.’ Unfortunately, Mulva made Dante take that out though, as I’m sure many criminals are relieved.
16. In the poem Melma’s Grandiose Knockers, Walt Whitman writes of a young waif who is exceptionally proud of her extraordinary knockers. She often flaunts them in front of her house, and men come from all over to secretly view them. She keeps them clean, and pretty, and even takes an ad out in the local tabloid stating ‘come look at my knockers! They’re round, and big, and you can even touch them’…HEY! Wait a minute! What are you people thinking??!! I’m talking about those knockers on the door! It’s the 1800’s, or something! They have those big, metal knockers that you summon people to the doors with! They don’t have those ones that you yell at someone for taking your package off your porch like we do today! Oh my gosh, where are your minds??!! Now, I forgot the question!...chrome! that was the answer, I think! It was what are the knockers made of! C’mon people, get your minds out of the gutter! Next question, please!
And finally, the last question(thank God). This is for all the marbles…wait, who said we were giving away marbles??!! This is worth 50 points. Please tally up your sheets, and turn them in to Cheerie in the Love Department, at Cosmo, so we can see who gets the torso. Here we go.
17. Famous Poetess Elizabeth Barrett Browning was married to what famous person?
a. Elisabeth Shue
b. Robert Browning
c. Syd Barrett
d. Larry Fortensky
e. Phillip Seymour Hoffman
f. Jim Nabors
Answer: a, b, c, d, e and f!!!!
Ms. Browning was kind of the Elizabeth Taylor of poetry, and married anyone who resided within 50 miles of her! Unbelievably, they were both married to Larry Fortensky! Her last marriage(to Jim Nabors) was a swirling affair that began when she was performing readings of her poetry at the Grand Ol’ Opry, and she kept hearing someone exclaim ‘Well, golleee!’ after every poem, and the rest is history…or historectomy…one of the two.
Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed the quiz, and learned something.
I think we can all agree that poetry is a wonderful thing…except when I write it, and sometimes comedy is bad…also when I write it. Ugh.