Poem -


Growing up I developed a mass of self-hate
Every day I would look in the mirror and criticize every little thing
Every scar, every pimple, every cell of fat

I make it hard for people to love me because I find it hard to love myself
How could you possibly love my smile when I hate my crooked tooth?
How could you possibly love my laugh when half the time its fake?
How could you possibly love me when I can’t love myself?

I warn people not to get attached before the second date
I say to them “I don’t want to hurt you”
Because all I’ve known is how to hurt myself
All I’ve been is a mess for others to clean up day after day
So its best you just stay away

I date two kinds of people – good and bad

The bad ones are my own special form of self-harm
I fall for them knowing they’ll break my heart
I pick physically and emotionally abusive lovers
Because sometimes it gets tiring torturing myself
So why not let someone else do it
Yes please,
Ignore my calls and texts
Choose your friends over our predetermined dates
For Christ's sake hit me because I said something that upset you
And I’m under the illusion that I deserve it

Then there’s the good ones
The ones I owe an apology
That despite my forewarning of heartbreak
They fell or me, and I let them
I thought maybe you could change my mind
And show me all there was to love about myself
But I was wrong
I put it on you to fix my self-esteem issues
And although I loved you,
I did exactly what I said I would
I hurt you
I broke your heart and my own in one fellow swoop
Because you deserved better than a train-wreck like me
I’m sorry

And so here I am
No one here to hit me or feed me lies of how beautiful I am
But that’s okay
Because I have learned to stop running to others about my own problems
I don’t go looking for sympathy like a lost puppy,
Nor do I put up with drunken punches for being a “bad girlfriend”
I don’t have someone to come home to
Or to send good morning texts to
But that’s okay
I’ve pushed good people away,
I’ve pulled on those who don’t really care
But not anymore
I am alone, but for the right reason
I focus on me
I work on me
And although I’ve made it so hard for others,
I’m learning to love me

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