Hey Kids, my few friends on here(anyone else doesn't have to read this, just saying hi, and if you don't know me, you'll say 'who cares!??!!'...and, if you do know me, you'll probably say 'who cares??!!', but I just wanted to let my beautiful friends know that I'm still alive, even though the Coronavirus has ripped through NY like it's going out of style, and I'm here, and I miss you guys). Two of my wonderful friends on here told me that I actually add to this site!(and I so appreciate that! but they also know my confidence level in myself), but thank you!! So, this is for you, my wonderful friends, just to say hi.
Anyway, I haven't written anything lately(which is good), but I'll just tell you about the events of my life, so you may catch up on some much needed sleep as you read them.
The sad events of the Coronavirus have had some positive effects(to look at the bright side in this mess), as I've maintained my current employment, but have also added additional employment because of it. I got a second job as a bouncer at our local pharmacy, and if anyone steps over the red, six foot distance line(even if they can't reach their prescription, and fall into 'the zone', I beat them with a large rectal thermometer, until they get back to the line. I feel bad about it, but it's necessary(and, also, the rectal thermometer is actually made out of foam, like one of those big, sporting event fingers), so 90 year old Mrs. Mininervia isn't truly being injured, just frightened a little into keeping her distance.
I've also been struggling with this social distancing thing quite a bit myself, as with multi-personality disorder, it is very difficult to keep all of us 6 feet apart!! Some of my personalities(depressive Matt, dorky Matt, etc.) refuse to keep their distance within me, and sometimes I have to have one of my legs surgically removed(while one of them is in there), and placed 6 feet from the rest of my body. It's kind of encumbering, and time consuming. Also, my internal organs refuse to maintain the six foot margin, and I've had to have my doctor, Ima Cwack, place 'spacers' between my spleen(Harvey), and my duodenum(Phil), as they always fight.
Anyway, though I'm not writing, I do have some ideas for poems which I'm very excited about, including:
-One in which some parrots, who are self-conscious about their vocal inflections, will only repeat phrases of a monosyllabic nature. This goes awry when their trainer, Fester McGivins, reads the Gettysburg address to them aloud, and they explode. Fester, guilt-ridden by the events(and a little tired from planting shoe trees the previous day), becomes sullen and morose...and also sad, and decides to write a theatrical tribute to honor their lives. Unfortunately, the play is politely panned by Roger Ebert(via seance), as 'much excremental drivel about mundane occurences', and Fester loses 11 million dollars on the production, and must sell his ferns. Fernless, Fester becomes reclusive(but only in groups of 50, or less), and takes cyanide. He is soon arrested for the theft of the poison, and sentenced to 80 years hard labor. Just as all seems lost for Fester, a parrot lands on his head as he's sitting in 'the yard', and recites the Gettysburg address in perfect English and he realizes life is not that bad...until a guard attempts to shoot the bird, and grazes Fester's scalp with his Browning 358.
Anyway, it's kind of a long poem, but I think it shows the peculiarities, and foibles of life, mixed with the inanity of pursuing parrot training as a vocation in life.
-I've also got one in the works about a lactose intolerant cow named Drooples, who is so distraught by his medical dilemma as every time he produces milk, he has to visit the 'little cow's room', and holds up the production line for everyone else! The predicament weighs on him horribly, and he is unable to enjoy chewing cud(even though the idea of chewing cud is kind of repugnant to him anyway), and also finds no pleasure in providing his shoulders for a roast anymore, either. So, Drooples packs one of those sticks with the handkerchief tied to it with all his worldly possessions in it(a clock, some ointments, an autographed picture of Joe Garagiola, soy sauce, shoehorns, a traffic cone, and Millie Muldoon), and heads off to Borneo. Unfortunately, he does not know where Borneo is, and ends up in Hayley Mills, NJ, where an Amish couple accidentally electrocutes him with a toaster that they have no idea how to use. Millie Muldoon is incensed by the Amish's misuse of a toaster, and sues them for 11 million dollars, however, the Amish don't believe in money(I don't think), and she is issued 11 kumquats by the judge. Eventually, Millie finds her way back to the milking farm, taking Drooples place, and the production line runs like clockwork...until they realize the human Millie does not have an udder, and things regress again.
It's a love story, and autobiographical, so I think most of you will enjoy it...especially if you're lacking such things as sanity, and a cerebral cortex.
Also, I think I recently ate a worm this morning. I was enjoying my Kelloggs Worms and Things cereal this morning, when I noticed the box said 'Allergy Warning: May contain real worms.' I had thought it was those gummy kind, but was amazed at how they had made them move and look so lifelike. Anyway, later on, as I was swimming in the East River in NY, a school(who were obviously ignoring the Mayor's edict to disband all schooling) of renegade mackerel began pecking at my belly, I think in an attempt to procure the ingested worms. I have no idea where I was going with this story, and it is not currently being addressed as a possible poem entry, but perhaps it should be.
I've also created many titles for poems, but have not undertaken the body portion of them yet as I'm quite tired. Some of them are:
-If Love Were a Chicken, I'd Peck You!
-The Sublaxation of Corn.
-A Pencil for Hymie.
-Constantarious, The Groggy Transvestite.
-My Kingdom for a Toilet Paper(A Covid-19 production).
-I Give All of My Love To You...But Sorry About the Rash.
-Harriet's Nostril Extensions.
-Please Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me, As It's Heavy and Really Hot.
-Mulvin's Obtrusive Bumps.
-I See the Stars of Heaven In Your Eyes...and Perhaps a Little Pink Eye Starting.
-I Love You, My Deer. (Ode to Blitzen).
Anyway, kids, I hope this answers all the questions you did not have about my sudden disappearance from the site, and I hope you're not too excited for me not returning. I miss you! I hope you're all well(not a big hole with water in the bottom, and a bucket that you wind down, but in good health and happy). Please stay safe(not the one with the combination, and money inside it...why do I have to explain all these things to you??!!, but the kind where you're in no danger), and much to everyone's chagrin, I'll be back to annoy you eventually.
Take care of yourselves!!