Poem -

Still Alive...Much To Everyone's Chagrin.

And, I Think I Ate a Worm.

Still Alive...Much To Everyone's Chagrin.

Hey Kids, my few friends on here(anyone else doesn't have to read this, just saying hi, and if you don't know me, you'll say 'who cares!??!!'...and, if you do know me, you'll probably say 'who cares??!!', but I just wanted to let my beautiful friends know that I'm still alive, even though the Coronavirus has ripped through NY like it's going out of style, and I'm here, and I miss you guys). Two of my wonderful friends on here told me that I actually add to this site!(and I so appreciate that! but they also know my confidence level in myself), but thank you!! So, this is for you, my wonderful friends, just to say hi.  

Anyway, I haven't written anything lately(which is good), but I'll just tell you about the events of my life, so you may catch up on some much needed sleep as you read them. 

The sad events of the Coronavirus have had some positive effects(to look at the bright side in this mess), as I've maintained my current employment, but have also added additional employment because of it. I got a second job as a bouncer at our local pharmacy, and if anyone steps over the red, six foot distance line(even if they can't reach their prescription, and fall into 'the zone', I beat them with a large rectal thermometer, until they get back to the line. I feel bad about it, but it's necessary(and, also, the rectal thermometer is actually made out of foam, like one of those big, sporting event fingers), so 90 year old Mrs. Mininervia isn't truly being injured, just frightened a little into keeping her distance. 
I've also been struggling with this social distancing thing quite a bit myself, as with multi-personality disorder, it is very difficult to keep all of us 6 feet apart!! Some of my personalities(depressive Matt, dorky Matt, etc.) refuse to keep their distance within me, and sometimes I have to have one of my legs surgically removed(while one of them is in there), and placed 6 feet from the rest of my body. It's kind of encumbering, and time consuming. Also, my internal organs refuse to maintain the six foot margin, and I've had to have my doctor, Ima Cwack, place 'spacers' between my spleen(Harvey), and my duodenum(Phil), as they always fight. 

Anyway, though I'm not writing, I do have some ideas for poems which I'm very excited about, including: 

-One in which some parrots, who are self-conscious about their vocal inflections, will only repeat phrases of a monosyllabic nature. This goes awry when their trainer, Fester McGivins, reads the Gettysburg address to them aloud, and they explode. Fester, guilt-ridden by the events(and a little tired from planting shoe trees the previous day), becomes sullen and morose...and also sad, and decides to write a theatrical tribute to honor their lives. Unfortunately, the play is politely panned by Roger Ebert(via seance), as 'much excremental drivel about mundane occurences', and Fester loses 11 million dollars on the production, and must sell his ferns. Fernless, Fester becomes reclusive(but only in groups of 50, or less), and takes cyanide. He is soon arrested for the theft of the poison, and sentenced to 80 years hard labor. Just as all seems lost for Fester, a parrot lands on his head as he's sitting in 'the yard', and recites the Gettysburg address in perfect English and he realizes life is not that bad...until a guard attempts to shoot the bird, and grazes Fester's scalp with his Browning 358. 
Anyway, it's kind of a long poem, but I think it shows the peculiarities, and foibles of life, mixed with the inanity of pursuing parrot training as a vocation in life. 

-I've also got one in the works about a lactose intolerant cow named Drooples, who is so distraught by his medical dilemma as every time he produces milk, he has to visit the 'little cow's room', and holds up the production line for everyone else! The predicament weighs on him horribly, and he is unable to enjoy chewing cud(even though the idea of chewing cud is kind of repugnant to him anyway), and also finds no pleasure in providing his shoulders for a roast anymore, either. So, Drooples packs one of those sticks with the handkerchief tied to it with all his worldly possessions in it(a clock, some ointments, an autographed picture of Joe Garagiola, soy sauce, shoehorns, a traffic cone, and Millie Muldoon), and heads off to Borneo. Unfortunately, he does not know where Borneo is, and ends up in Hayley Mills, NJ, where an Amish couple accidentally electrocutes him with a toaster that they have no idea how to use. Millie Muldoon is incensed by the Amish's misuse of a toaster, and sues them for 11 million dollars, however, the Amish don't believe in money(I don't think), and she is issued 11 kumquats by the judge. Eventually, Millie finds her way back to the milking farm, taking Drooples place, and the production line runs like clockwork...until they realize the human Millie does not have an udder, and things regress again. 
It's a love story, and autobiographical, so I think most of you will enjoy it...especially if you're lacking such things as sanity, and a cerebral cortex. 

Also, I think I recently ate a worm this morning. I was enjoying my Kelloggs Worms and Things cereal this morning, when I noticed the box said 'Allergy Warning: May contain real worms.' I had thought it was those gummy kind, but was amazed at how they had made them move and look so lifelike. Anyway, later on, as I was swimming in the East River in NY, a school(who were obviously ignoring the Mayor's edict to disband all schooling) of renegade mackerel began pecking at my belly, I think in an attempt to procure the ingested worms. I have no idea where I was going with this story, and it is not currently being addressed as a possible poem entry, but perhaps it should be. 

I've also created many titles for poems, but have not undertaken the body portion of them yet as I'm quite tired. Some of them are: 

-If Love Were a Chicken, I'd Peck You! 
-The Sublaxation of Corn. 
-A Pencil for Hymie. 
-Constantarious, The Groggy Transvestite. 
-My Kingdom for a Toilet Paper(A Covid-19 production). 
-I Give All of My Love To You...But Sorry About the Rash. 
-Harriet's Nostril Extensions. 
-Please Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me, As It's Heavy and Really Hot. 
-Mulvin's Obtrusive Bumps. 
-I See the Stars of Heaven In Your Eyes...and Perhaps a Little Pink Eye Starting. 
-I Love You, My Deer. (Ode to Blitzen). 

Anyway, kids, I hope this answers all the questions you did not have about my sudden disappearance from the site, and I hope you're not too excited for me not returning. I miss you! I hope you're all well(not a big hole with water in the bottom, and a bucket that you wind down, but in good health and happy). Please stay safe(not the one with the combination, and money inside it...why do I have to explain all these things to you??!!, but the kind where you're in no danger), and much to everyone's chagrin, I'll be back to annoy you eventually. 
Take care of yourselves!! 



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Cherie Leigh

Lol....Dear Matthew, despite all the stress in the world and your own with work and the real threat of Coronavirus in New York, you seem to have found humor works to break the tension, which is good.  I have to laugh over the six feet distance line, because I see that everywhere I go in grocery stores, and some people get upset over it, while others are very aggressively stern about keeping that distance.  The cashiers here say that starting next week, they will have plexiglass around their registers so that no one can spread germs to them and soon may have to wear hazmat uniforms....It is a new strange world we live in right now.  We need to be eating worm cereal, hung out with lactose intolerant cows, and listen with sympathy to monosyllabic parrots with compassion, we may be able to get through this time...By the way, I love your poem titles....I expect to see all of them posted on Cosmo soon...lol.  We need your comic relief here, Matthew to get us through this time of isolation and confusion.  By the way, I like that you used the word, "Chagrin" in your title...It is a word I am familiar with because I have used it in a poem....It means some like, "Strong feelings of embarrassment."......Mm-hmm.. Perfect word you would use.  I am not embarrassed at all to read your humor, and quite like it....Thank you for sharing a bit of Matthew with us to help us not be so serious about seriousness of life right now.  Stay safe, and I recommend switching your cereal that you eat in the morning to one that does not move...lol   Love n Hugs  Cheerie    

A Lonely Journey

There she is! 
The girl who makes my lonely comment field all worthwhile!! Thank you for thinking me amusing! I knew you would understand, and I knew you're a big fan of consuming cereal of worms, as you've told me of it several times. Thank you for liking the word chagrin, also. It is a good word, and one I'm quite familiar with(especially on here, besides you). 
I love that you have a wacky sense of humor!! You're great! 
I will finish the poem titles, if just for you, and I've actually got a portion of the body of Constantarious, The Groggy Transvestite already. Here's a sneak peek: 

Oh sleep! My tired cross dresser! 
For the days of this life are a messer 
And the slacks that you wore yesterday, 
Are a beautiful, plaid skirt today. 

I think it's coming along pretty good...except for the words, and meaning. It's about a Greek philosopher who cannot decide whether to wear a toga, or a smart, Juicy Couture ensemble, when he goes to get an award for 'Most Improved Grocery Shopping' from his peers in Athens, and the decision is weighing heavily on him as he eats his funnel cake. It's a tragedy. Anyway, I hope you'll like it. 
I have another one called The Flesh-Peddler of Goodyear, about a mechanic who is troubled about his vocation of selling tires for 'services' against their will, but needs the money for a new pump, so he keeps doing it. I think you'll like that one. LOL!! 
You are so wonderful in so many ways, young lady! Thank you for being so great! 

Fiona Cummings

OMG Matt, you are so funny you should write for children as well as adults. It is 3 in the morning here, i have just  put a story on here two and a half thousand words as i can't sleep. And you have made me laugh out loud. I simply love you you crazy number crunching creature munching brain box. x

Katina Woodruff...

What a creative, unique, humorous and did I mention funny!

I was laughing to the point that my eyes were watering. I jotted down my favorite lines, although the entire piece was great. Glad to see you back on the site. I'm back too. Hmm, maybe my split personality never left, hmm. Only kidding, I'm bipolar, which means, I'm a nut. But, it's all funny to someone. The lamp in my room took the blunt of my over stressed mood today, I would have thrown it out the window and screamed at the top of my lungs if I were not afraid of having the police called for a disturbance, only kidding. But I wish I was kidding about the lamp. We were infested with "stink bugs" and I found their matting ground, my floor lamp. Problem solved, no more lamp. 

Favorite lines 

 I got a second job as a bouncer at our local pharmacy, and if anyone steps over the red, six foot distance line(even if they can't reach their prescription, and fall into 'the zone', I beat them with a large rectal thermometer,

 as with multi-personality disorder, it is very difficult to keep all of us 6 feet apart!! 

I was enjoying my Kelloggs Worms and Things cereal this morning, when I noticed the box said 'Allergy Warning: May contain real worms.'

If Love Were a Chicken, I'd Peck You! 

Could I make a suggestion? 

I think you are so humorous that other people need to realize just how fun your writing is. I would gather all of your poems and publish them (for money) or you could kidnap a publisher, tie them to a chair, make them read and by the time you're done, they will have laughed so hard, they will have no choice but to publish anything you want. 

I try to be funny. I'll leave it up to the expert funny people in the world. For now, great work Matthew. I enjoy all of your poems and commentary. Good work. 

Have a safe and productive life as a pharmacy bouncer -- so funny! That is what is needed to make people steer clear. There are people in large groups going to church, without face mask -- they will need all the prayers they can get! I bet Jesus was a funny man, he'd have to be to create this human species. We are the most intelligent species on Planet Earth and yet, we cannot keep in stock of our basic needs like toilet paper. I think the world could do much better, but maybe we will all get better in our desired fields and will take much less for granted once all this is over. With hope, soon! 

I really miss my lamp now, and it's getting dark and those darn stink bugs have now moved into the window blind, or in my hair! Help! Just kidding. 

Thanks Matthew. 
You inspire me to laugh! 

Simon Bromley

You see, you were definitely missed! If you're not an author you should be! Awesome wit and humour combined.  A very well done my fellow sir 👌