Poem -

The Refurbished Chicken

The Refurbished Chicken

His leg, it was a bitter mess, 
His feathers lived with too much stress 
His beak was but a crackled chip 
Don't even ask about his hip. 

The sands of time had mottled him, 
Jim Croce said to call him 'Slim'...(or was it Leroy Brown? One of the two) 
His features were quite dull and dim, 
He tasted awful parmeshinned (yes! it's a word! Don't look it up, though). 

His love life was a horrid wreck 
And what's that wobbling on his neck?? 
I wish he'd bought some body tethers, 
Cause look at all those missing feathers! 

But then one day, the farmer came, 
And said 'my God, you're looking lame!' 
And then he looked from wife to chicken, 
And said my gosh, what the frickin'? (that's how farmers talk). 

I reckon I must fix you up, 
Before the others say wha's sup? 
Cause that's how younger chickens say,
'My God, you look like Auntie May!'         
(the grieving Auntie Mae, after Uncle Ben(not the rice guy) died in Spiderman. She really wasn't too concerned about her appearance that day. Normally, she's a fine looking, elderly lady, mind you. Sometimes Peter Parker drove her a little crazy, with all that Spider action noise in his bedroom, but she still put herself together well at those times, but sometimes the loss of a loved one makes you disregard grooming. Once, when I lost my pet millipede, I wore two different socks for the entire day and didn't even notice. People made terrible fun(fum) of me, until I changed my story completely, and told them it was a pet goat, and then they were quite indifferent. Actually, millipedes are very affectionate pets, and will sometimes crawl all over you when they want a bowl of food. Another time, when Billy McSquiggin's cat died(he had a quadruple infection. His infection got infected, and then that got infected, and so on. When you looked at it, it looked like the infection went on forever, like one of those pictures where the mirror, or something in the background, creates the same picture again and again and again, and it looks like it goes on forever), I wore a baseball cap on my foot for a week. It was embarrassing(in a confusing, shameful way), but it just goes to show what grief can do to the proper placement of hat wear. Another time, when Billy McSquiggins(he's my pet millipede) lost half of his legs in a unfortunate haircut accident, I called him a semi-millipede, for lack of a better term. He threw a rock at me. But I digress(I hope I know what that word means, and it doesn't mean 'achieve some type of nudity), but we'll see. Anyway, on with the poem). 

He fetched a young, old chicken groomer 
Who primped and sprayed, and ate Good Humor 
Until our lovely, feathered friend, 
Looked not so much like a rear e*d. 

And all the chickens laughed and sang, 
For Herbert looked like Vera Wang, 
And all in life was good again, 
Except for Spidey's Uncle Ben. 

The End (thank God). 

Anyway, as you can see, sometimes I write poems with moralistic virtue, rather than just icky love sonnets(kidding, one written to), and this one has many facets of ethics and morals to it, I think...I'm just too tired to expand on them. Although, I think the main moral of the story is that you don't always have to look dumpy. Sometimes all you need is a young, upcoming, hungry stylist, and a not so ecstatic Aunt Mae. Also, when preparing chicken with spaghetti sauce, and mozzerella cheese on it, choose a corn fed bird. Herbert neglected his diet terribly, and could often be seen sneaking a 20 piece McNugget after church on Sundays...which is another thing! Go to church, and maybe the priest will loan you his Aquanet. Anyway, a lot of morals in there, so figure them out, and thanks for not reading me, as usual. : ) 

M. 

 

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Comments

author
A Lonely Journey

Matt, 
You're an idiot. 
I'm embarrassed to know you...and I am you! 

Matt. 

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author
A Lonely Journey

Hi Parrotlegg IX here. 
Can I please have the rent that Cheerie gave me back??!! I'm moving out. 
You're an embarrassment to embarrassingness. 

Thank you! 

Legg IV. 

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author
A Lonely Journey

Matt! You're followers are dropping like flies in a toad convention! 
Please stop writing things. Just put out a blank page, please. 

Cosmo Management. 

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author
Cherie Sumner-Taylor

Lol...You are hilarious!  I "cracked" up with the part - "His features were quite dull and dim, He tasted awful parmeshinned".......Lol   I feel guilty now because I quite often make Parmesan Chicken for my family.  I know you are trying to make me a vegetarian but it won't work!  As much as I love animals and do not like them to be mistreated, I love me some good chicken stew!  I have considered trying yak, but after all the hype and hoopla you give them,  I am possibly changing my mind.  I love your sense of humor and creativity in verses.  I am learning a lot about farming and livestock like poultry....Thank you for entertaining me this evening.  ;)  xo  Cheerie

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author
A Lonely Journey

Thank you, Cheerie! You have a wonderfully warped sense of humop(humop is a derivative of humor in Pensacola(and some of the more anguished cities of the South)). 
I think it's important to recognize, and honor, some particular factions of poultry in today's society, as they seem a little depressed sometimes. I have a foundation set up that gives nearly 2% of the profiys(profiys is the net income made, after I've lived comfortably for a year and purchased a new Corvette) to the animals and their food and things they can peck. It's called PoultryPower, and the normal human being can donate at chickencash.com. 
Please stop eating chicken as I've sometimes gone to give them the money, and Bill Haggardleg tells me 'someone ate that one.' I eat a delicious, lab-created, chicken substitute called I Can't Believe It's Not Chicken. It's delicious, in a monkey-by-product, chemically-laden way. I love it on ice cream. 
Anyway, Cheerie, I appreciate you so much! You're my final fan, but my best fan(you really cool the air when it's hot...no, wait, not that kind of fan!). 
I love your sense of humop!! 

Thanks again! 

Mat(I'm too tired to type the rest of my name. Sorry). 

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author
A Lonely Journey

Red!! Thank you! 
Where have you been my friend??!! 
I may be the bomb, but I was bombing without you! Sure, Cheerie has a wonderful sense of humor, but she's the only one besides you. 
Missed you, thank you! 

Matthew. 

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author
A Lonely Journey

Thank you so much, Jill! 
I think I had actually ingested too much Pinesol before I wrote this(I was out of lemons for my tea...and I don't even drink tea!), so I may have been a little loopy, but I appreciate you reading it, and your fun sense of humour(that's for you, I'm not British). lol. 
Have a great day. 

Matthew. 

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author
Jill Tait

Humour & laughter 2 dam gud tonics xx🤣🤣

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