Sometimes, when I’m not writing awful poetry, or wacky stories, I like to include stories involving a moral, and some positive values. This is a story that my Grandma, Grammy Nemo, used to tell us every night before we went to bed. Granted, Grammy was a little loopy, and could often be seen wearing suspenders attached to her ears, but Grammy Nemo had a wonderful heart, and sometimes even slept with our chickens, when she thought they were frightened by a storm or something…albeit, usually after drinking a gallon of hard cider, too. Here is the wonderful story she used to tell, steeped in morals:
The Pompous Rabbit
There once was a young rabbit named Fenstermeyer, who wore shoes many sizes too big.
'Why do you wear the shoes in such an exorbitant size? the other rabbits would ask.
But Fenstermeyer never responded. He was pompous, and it irked him greatly.
'I do not like being pompous' he would say to himself in the mirror, but the mirror never responded.
He had one friend, named Flappus, but Flappus was quite erudite, so he didn't mind Fenstermeyer's pompousness. The two were inseperable, as they had had surgery to conjoin themselves, believing they were Siamese.
One day, when Fenstermeyer was out of town on business(they owned a small, yak befriending business, called Yak Do You Do?), Armand Legg(the school bully and tough guy), picked up Flappus, and punted him(It was a decent punt, went out of bounds at about the eight yard line, but was called back due to an illegal block in the back). Fenstermeyer, although a conjoined, unrelated twin(the doctor who conjoined them was fortuitous enough to provide them with a zipper along their conjoined pelvises...pelvii...? so they could go separate ways, when life necessitated it), felt the punt from 1,000 miles away, in Utah!(he was attempted to get Mormons to become friendly with yaks, as they could legally become friendly with many at a time, and he thought it could truly be a boon for business).
'What was that odd feeling of being pooch kicked from the 46 yard line by a size 14 cleat??!!' Fenstermeyer exclaimed in the middle of the meeting.
'Fenstermeyer, you're far too pompous for us to purchase any yak befriendment contracts from you, and you’re a little odd, as there is no one here punting you. Please show yourself out’ stated the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
Fenstermeyer skulked out, vowing to the Mormons that he would come back in another life as a conductor, and make funny arm movements so the Choir’s alto’s voices sound squeaky.
Flappus preferred galoshes. He had since he was a young lad of 38. This angered Fenstermeyer, and often he would yell at Flappus when they got dressed for cotillions.
‘Why must you wear those galoshes on such a bright, sunny day??!!’ screeched Fenstermayer.
‘Galoshey-ness is next to Godliness. It’s in the bible.’ Retorted Flappus.
‘No, it’s not! Cleanliness is next to Godliness!!! You moron! I thought you were erudite!’ battled Fernmonster.
‘I am! But I don’t know what it means, you arrogant rabbit! Flappus fought back.
‘I’m not arrogant! I’m pompous!’ screamed Fernmaker!
‘I’ll kill you!’ shouted Flapper.
And the two began to struggle, with their zipper still connected, and it was a funny, little fight, with the two rolling around as one, and fluffy little arms thrashing around. But just then, Fernsticker landed a tumultuous blow to the nose of Floppy. Flaapy went down, and thus, being connected, so did Fernplopper. The referee began counting…one, two…’GET ON YOUR FEET!’ Screamed Mick from the corner! The crowd was going crazy as the two each reached for the ropes, and tried to struggle to their feet. ‘Get up!’ whispered Atrium amongst the boisterous crowd, attempting to urge her man on!
‘Seven!’ shouted the ref, and just then Flopper, looking out of his bruised, nearly shut eyes, started to stand, as he peered at Fernstomper, also beginning to get to his feet! ‘Nine!’ called the ref. And as Flappy lifted himself into an upright position, Fernmonger slumped to the canvas in a heap!
‘The winner!’ cried the ref! holding up Floopy’s little arm!
‘Yo, Atrium! I did it!’ screamed Flappers.
‘Thank God! Because I had 50 schillings on you, you dork!’ shouted Atrium, lovingly.
And so, all was well in the forest that night. Flumpy had won the biggest title of his career, even though he had never boxed before, and Ferstopper’s pompousness was now at record low levels, and he even said ‘hrmph’ once when someone complimented his neck hair, and the conjoinment was annulled by the two, and the Russian and American bunny populations now got along, and diffused their bunny atomic bombs after Flappy’s next fight with the Russian champion, Ivan Rabbitov, and some chickens created a roost in Fersetmonker’s new coif.
The end…now got to bed! I’ve got some hard cider chilling!
Anyway, I think you all can decipher Grammy Nemo’s moralistic tale here, but in case you can’t I’ll go through it. First of all, I think the inclusion of the foot apparel worn by our protagonists was a key metaphorical proponent of the story. Fenstermacher, though he always wore a smart set of shoes, was terribly jealous of Flapper’s galoshes, and it often made his colon seize, thus making it hard for Fenstermacher to go potty. Galoshes, from the Latin word ‘gooleshes’ meaning footwear reserved for dorks, or dorkessas, were a sign of relative shrewdness, and Fenstemacher didn’t like the word ‘shrew’ as some kids in 4th grade had once called him that, and it caused him great consternation.
Secondly, Flappy not knowing what erudite meant, and quoting the Bible as to the inclusion of galoshes, showed that he was not actually erudite, and was justified in not knowing what the word meant, which further constipated the pompous Fernslopper, and he was forced to drink over-indulgent amounts of Ex-Lax, or the equivalent store brand, of the substance.
Thirdly, when creating a moralistic story, it is very important to use shorter character names, as Grammy doesn’t have the greatest of memories, and will sometimes change the names, forgetfully, as she goes along.
And finally, the chickens who had inhabited Fernstememmer’s hair were simply a clever ruse by Grammy to scare us into getting haircuts, and had nothing to do with the story.
And lastly, the boxing match. This represented the struggles to which we are introduced to in life, and our ability to overcome them. Flappy, by beating the bejeezers out of Fernmaker, showed that anything can be done, especially if someone has 50 schillings bet on you, and you may have the opportunity to coerce them into splitting it with you as you were the one risking your teeth in the square circle.
As for the spiked cider Grammy had in the fridge, I think she was rather annoyed with us for having to tell us a story, especially at the age of 33.
So, thank you for not reading this, and I honestly hope it had enhanced your life, and clearly represented the importance of weather-related footwear.