The big C

Had a dream last night. One that really scared me. The doctor contacted me days after my test and told me that I needed to go to his office for the results of my test. "Mrs. Peel he said,  handing me pamphlets on reconstructive surgery. I have your results " doctors are so practical and keep up this business like manner. "I have to refer you to an oncologist." ..... DREADED WORDS..... This dream was not pleasant. He told me I had breast cancer. The fear struck like a bolt of lightning in my mind. Racing.... Panic. ... anguish...... utter fear and loathing ...  I couldn't even cry. I had to drive home alone because my husband couldn't come with me.... I was so angry, so hateful that I had to face this on my own. Do I dare tell him or do I remain quiet and say no.... I don't want treatment. I don't want the added attention. I have been facing most of my diagnosiss' on my own. BUT what did I tell him when I got home. My eyes reddened. My green-grey-hazel eyes now a deep brown ( they were my mood rings. ) I often refused assistance from anyone. 

Do I get treatment? After seeing what happen to my mom. .... do I???? Questioning and no answers. I didn't know what to do.

Everyone has the gene, it's wiether or not it becomes active.

Could I go through chemo and radiation?  Could I physically handle it?  To me the word cancer is a death sentence. This on top of my MS... I CAN'T DO IT.

I didn't know what I should do or say. My body ached, my worry and anxiety sky rocketed. I pulled over on the side of a very busy highway and sobbed mercilessly screaming at the heavens. Screaming at my mother. 

I was alone to deal with this information. I was alone to decide what to do. 

-fight or flight - these three words had somehow become my new moto is most of my stories and in my own spyche.

Was I to become like Lisa in the story Quintu? Dismembered but this time not phusually but mentally, emotion, spiritually. I am broken. 

I had nothing to leave my husband. I had nothing to leave my children. Only little trinkets in hopes they would remember me.

Oh my grand daughter.... I wouldn't see her grow up.

Obviously I am awake as I write this dream I had. It is painfully obvious that I worry. Without me, my family would be broken.

I have been battling demons my entire life. As a child..... demons..as a teen, demons. Grown up I thought the demons were gone but it is plain to see that this isn't true. My demons reside within me always and have been with me since birth. 

Am I an earth angel being called back only to return and attune for what I had done in the past in this life. Or am I to be a guide for my grand baby, my name sake. My angel child??? I don't know 

I don't know what to think now that I am awake. I decided before finding out the results that I wouldn't  put myself through all of that and have my family watch as I slowly died. 

Yes I know there are treatments, that doesn't really matter when I have seen many with this...... that hadn't made it even after treatment. So why would I prolong my agony and that of my family?

Today is test day. And waking up with total pain in my one breast. Yes it fucking scares the hell out of me. I pray they find NOTHING.  I pray that all of this bullshit is my own doing my mind acting in accordance with my thought and concern.

I believe most people diagnosed with the big C, face these same kinds of thoughts. 

I don't know if I have it and chances are that I don't but it lingers and I cannot let it go.

I am scared. Will I wake from this dream and be able to let it go?

I have to. If not for me then for her. I don't know if I can.