Poem -

Trains-Spoken Word

Trains-Spoken Word

 Important Information- December 12, 2015 was the last date of self-harm, and when I resolved to never do it again.

Every time I get in a swimsuit
I love my body
until I look down
down onto legs and arms
eyes trailing slowly
my gaze focuses on the lines extended from my skin

They are like railroad tracks drawn carelessly down my limbs
Placed so that the trains of regret and self-loathing can further carry their cargo
Rolling up my arms, chugging fast
Stopping on my shoulders and unloading
So that I may carry their impossible weight.

Never before the age of 13 had I needed these tracks to carry my heavy packages
Sorted and prepared in the darker corners of my mind
Carefully picked through, every regret, missed opportunity, and self hatred was placed in the cargo load
My anxiety the sole conductor

At night the trains returned to their stations, shut down, silent, unmoving
Yet on the sleepless nights I could still feel the rumble of the ever impending, yet vaguely unrealistic anxiety. 
But once these railroad covered arms and legs used to carry me
I used to run
Faster and longer, robotically my legs pumped
Until all feeling was gone, but the blood rushing through my ears

Once these trains used to move my happiness
From head to toe
So that I could feel every moment I rightfully deserved 

Once, my arms could shake the tree of opportunity, let it’s leaves fall onto my open lap
So that I may rest assured that my life had options beyond measure
Beyond comprehension
Beyond worry

I breathed slow and careful, as not to awake the obsessive thinking
In the silent of the night 
As these trains pushed up my shoulders, and carefully maneuvered the twisted paths inside my head, I realized something that for so long stayed packaged away inside the back of my mind
I realized that I am not defined by the course and uneven tracks that run along my body
I am not a slave to the cargo my brain chooses to unload into my ever-heavy heart.
Nor must I attend to these boxes full of anxious thoughts.

How I wish I could say that shipments stopped, or slowed. Or that my trains ran out of coal. But this would be a lie. Instead every blockage placed between my mind and my anxiety was personally and painstakingly constructed
No rock was left unturned
No pebble left unkicked
And no thought left unprocessed.

I piled my medications into the discrepancy between my thoughts and my actions
I used my kindness to prove that I am not guilty of anything but loving the whole damn world and everyone in it
That I should not feel guilty of anything but exactly that
I pushed every metaphorical rock into the corners of myself I would rather ignore than represent as a part of who I am 
And every pill I took and talk I had, and kind action I created slowed my anxiety until I was ready

until

 on December 12, 2015 I stopped my first train. I shut down the engine, pushed it back to the station, and closed the gate. It sat still, silent, unmoving.
And on that sleepless night I felt nothing more but the girl I had waited so long to feel again.

I live close with railroad tracks covering my every limb, but no longer do I live in fear of their packages.
I will waste no more time carrying and following my demons.
I will not adhere to the obsessive anxiety.

Because I am the leader of my own future, my own thoughts, my own path
Because now I am the sole conductor of my mind and the world around it

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Comments

author
Richard Waters

" I have seen the movie " TRAINSPOTTING ", with related sequel now available, not understanding any thing. Is there something wrong with me, or them ? Or could it be the drugs ? You have to wonder where it all comes from, that stuff !!! There might be more to it ! There is breeding to consider, you know.
Take it from me, you don't want to go too far down that track. Honestly. The ways of the wilderness are best left a mystery to the outsider. Leave well alone, those of a certain disposition who want to lure you into positions, beyond your control. Keep a tight grip on the line you wish to share.
Neat perspective on the diagnostic calibrations of the mechanisms of fate versus fact. Your heart leans towards the worthy on this one...around any bend !!! Lay it down, why don't you ? For, the good of all ?
I should say so, even if I am a complete novice at hunting figures of merit. All the best to you, hoping your number comes up !!!! All should respect this, and your infatuations. :) :)

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