A BROTHER LOST

 ONE NIGHT, ONE CALL, ALL LOST.
INSTANT SHOCK, HEART STOPPED, BREATH GONE.
OUR FAMILY TREE SO PAINFULLY TORN.
NO, COULDN’T BE TRUE… I KNEW.
QUICK, HURRY, RUSH. HAVE TO LEAVE, MUST GO.
ARRIVE, OPEN THE DOOR, PASTOR’S HERE.
HE WANTS TO SIT AND TALK TO ME.
DON’T WANT TO SIT. ARE YOU CRAZY?
LEAVE ME BE, LET ME SEE.
(THINKING TO MYSELF) IT’S OKAY, I CAN FIX HIM.
NOT TO WORRY, HE WILL BE ALRIGHT.
WATCH I CAN WAKE HIM UP, JUST GIVE ME THE 
CHANCE.
LOOKING DOWN AT A BODY BAG.
THEY SAY “ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO SEE HIM.”
WHAT!! GOT TO SEE, NEED TO SEE! I NODDED.
THAT COLD, UGLY, BLACK BAG.
IT’S WAY TOO QUITE, THE ZIPPER IS LOUD.
THERE HE LAY, STILL, TOO STILL.
HE LOOKS REALLY GOOD. IT’S OKAY, JUST A SCRATCH.
THE SMILE GAVE HIM AWAY, HUH, NOT DEAD.
I TOLD MYSELF,
HE IS FINE, IT’S A JOKE. HE PLAYS THEM ALL THE TIME.
SEE HIM GRIN, THAT ONERY GRIN, NOT DEAD.
I AM SURE HE’S FAKING IT,
JUST SHAKE HIM, WAKE HIM UP. PROBABLY PASSED 
OUT DRUNK.
WATCH HE’LL GET UP. HE PULLED OFF A GOOD ONE 
THIS TIME.
HE’S NOT DEAD, NOT WITH THAT GRIN.
I FOCUS FOR ANY MOVEMENT... NONE.
HA, HA VERY FUNNY, YOU PULLED IT OFF, YOU WIN.
LISTEN… SHHH…. NOTHING.
CAN’T HEAR HIM BREATH.
IT’S NOT FUNNY ANY MORE. WAKE UP, MOVE, DO 
SOMETHING!
HEY, COME ON. THAT’S ENOUGH. GET UP. LET’S GO.
BREATH, LANCE, BREATH. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
LANCE? OH GOD, LANCE? OH NO, LANCE?!?
NO, NO IT’S TRUE. HE IS DEAD, HE’S DEAD!
THAN I HEARD MY FIRST SHAKY WORDS.
“ARE YOU SURE HE’S DEAD?”
“YES” THE CORONER SAID.
“WHAT DID YOU GET YOURSELF INTO THIS TIME 
LANCE?”
CRUEL THING TO SAY, I DIDN’T MEAN IT, JUST CAME 
OUT.
HE WAS GONE, REALLY GONE.
SOFTLY, I STROKED HIS HAIR, LEANED IN AND KISSED 
HIM.
THERE WAS NOTHING MORE I COULD DO.

WALKED OUTSIDE AND HAD A SMOKE.
I WAS THE FIRST ONE HERE,
SOON OUR FAMILY WILL BE HERE.
OH NO, I FORGOT IT’S MOM & DAD 53RD ANNIVERSARY.
THEY WILL NEVER CELEBRATE IT AGAIN.
HAVE TO BE STRONG FOR ALL OF THEM.
THREE CIGARETTES LATER, THEIR ALL HERE.
SO MANY PACKED INTO ONE CAR.
SOMBER FACES, WALKED IN EVER SO QUIETLY.
ONE BY ONE, YET STRONGLY TOGETHER.
WE ALL LOOKED DOWN AT HIM.
A FEW TEARS, NOT MANY FROM ONE SISTER.
WHISPERING TO HIM “NO MORE PAIN, BUBBIE, NO 
MORE PAIN.”
LEFT TO GO GET SOME AIR, I THINK.
MY OLDEST SON TRIED HARD NOT TO CRY,
BUT MOIST WAS HIS FACE WITH FRESH TEARS.
I HELD HIM TIGHT, TRY TO EASE THE PAIN.
MOM WAS TRYING TO BE PROFESSIONAL ABOUT IT,
CONVERSATING WITH THE CORONER.
SHE NEVER LOOKED SO HALLOW BEFORE.
DAD, POOR DAD, TOOK IT REALLY BAD.
HE WAS SO LOST AND CONFUSED.
HIS EYES WERE EMPTY, GONE OFF SOMEWHERE.
NO TEARS FROM THE OLDEST SIBLING.　
ONLY HER FACE SHOWED HER AGONY.

OUR BROTHER WAS GONE.
A SON WAS DEAD,
FATHER TO FOUR, NO MORE.
A FRIEND TO MANY.
IT WAS SOBERLY TRUE.
ONE BY ONE, WE ALL QUIETLY STEPPED OUTSIDE.    
ALL IS SILENT, LOST IN OUR HAZY THOUGHTS.
MY BRAIN, IT'S FROZEN, CAN'T FUNCTION.
SOMEONE PLEASE SAY SOMETHING, ANYTHING.
I COULDN'T BARE NOT TO HEAR, SOME KIND OF NOISE.
ALL OF US SURROUNDED, YET SO VERY ALONE.
FINALLY, THEY HEADED BACK HOME.
FIRST ONE HERE, LAST ONE TO GO.
I COULDN'T COMPREHEND LEAVING HIM THERE.
HE WAS COLD, AND HE WAS BECOMING STIFF.
UP WENT THE ZIPPER.
ALONE IN THE BLACK BAG.
NOTHING I COULD DO. I HAD TO LEAVE HIM THERE.

I WAS OVERWHELMED WITH GUILT.
WE ARGUED THE LAST TIME WE SPOKE.
HE WAS THE ONLY ONE IN OUR FAMILY WHO EVER 
TRULY SHOWED ME LOVE.
THE AIR I BREATH IS HALLOW.
MY SOUL WAS DISGUSTED WITH ME.
WHAT WAS LEFT OF MY HEART,
SHRIVELED UP FOR THE LAST TIME.
LATER IT TURNED TO STONE.
AT THE FUNERAL,
I HEARD THE MOST HORRIFIC, SORROWFUL CRIES.
THEN I REALIZED THE SOUND WAS COMING FROM ME.
SCREAMING AND BEGGING THIS TO BE A NIGHTMARE.
I REMEMBERING TRYING TO PICK HIM UP AND HOLD HIM, HUG HIM.
EVERYONE GASPING REMINDING ME OF HIS CHILDREN.
I LET GO AND STATED, “MY BROTHER WAS MY HERO, 
AND HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND.”
I CRIED SO HARD SO LONG THAT THERE WAS NO MORE 
TEARS.
YET I WAS STILL CRYING AND NOT QUIETLY.
AT THE CEMETERY, IT BECAME REALISTIC.
WHEN HIS CASKET, WAS BEING LOWERED DOWN I 
COLLAPSED. 
AND SCREAMED HIS NAME “LANCE, NO!!”
MY FATHER PULLED ME UP
I LOOKED AT HIM IN DISBELIEF
SAYING “DADDY, WE CAN'T JUST LEAVE HIM DOWN 
THERE, WE CAN'T!”
“I KNOW SIS, BUT WE HAVE TO.”
PEOPLE DID NOT UNDERSTAND THAT A PIECE OF ME 
WAS BURIED THAT DAY TOO.
THE PAIN IS AS FRESH TODAY AS IT WAS THEN.
LIFE WILL NOT BE THE SAME AGAIN.
LANCE, I LOVE YOU BROTHER. 
THE WIND IS STILL KNOCKED OUT OF ME.
EVEN AFTER ALMOST 12 YEARS.
BUBBIE, I MISS YOU SO MUCH!

TIL I SEE YOU AGAIN....
 Lori Lee Mack
 Copyright
   03/18/2010
Revised 04/28/2018
Robert LANCE Mack
March 18 1967 - June 7 2006
(MOM AND DAD 53RD ANNIVERSARY)
39 years old
Left behind four children
Becca, Tyler, Ethan, and the one he never met Ryan.