A Triggered Split Mind

Empty with a heavy heart and distant mind, at night my mind comes alive, 3AM to be precise filled with chaotic, hectic, dark and twisted thoughts; tears start to stream while my body starts to collapse.

I fall to the ground, yelling, screaming, begging for this life of mine to end. My chest aches while my heart pounds and beats in pain; another war in having to face out on this battlefield, grasping for breath. 

Tryinf to beat BPD is becoming a losing game, I’ve lost all I’ve known and who I am; to this disorder that’s changed me for the worst. A better person I’m trying to be but it’s mission impossible and I’m done competing.

The scars and bruises are on my heart and in my mind; meanwhile the only sign you see is I don’t want to be alive. The feelings I’m feeling are more than sadness it’s this disorders invisible abuse.

Abuse is all I’ve ever known but peace is all I want and it’s all I’m fighting for. How is it fair someone as precious as me gets a trauma diagnosis’s; it’s the price of others actions, neglect and abuse is what it cost me.

Its very strange how someone as nice as me can be so dark and twisted when the devil comes to play with me.

Punish myself for hurting my loved ones by slicing my wrists and thighs to release the guilt and shame inside; self sabotage and pushing people away to the side, is not what I want to do, nor it’s who I am.

Its just the evil mastermind and it’s just the life of; 

A triggered split mind.