All I Know

I'm beside myself.
Trapped inside my mind, 
This is my hell.
Yet I deny help,
Because pride 
Is my health.
Or is that a lie?
Half the time,
I don't know which side
I'm truly on.
Left or right?
Red or blue?
I have but,
Not a clue.
I have fun,
That may be true.
Sanity firmly glued,
But vanity will surely prove

My demise.
In due time.
It's past five,
In the morning,
No sleep tonight,
For life I am yearning.
I must write,
It is my past time,
But each time feels like the last time.
Fingers that type,
Thoughts that linger in mind,
That slowly flicker by.

Am I winner by your standards?
If I kiss your behind,
Would I be like your standard bearer?
Compromise my bottom line,
Because you'll buy dinner if I pandered?
No mother since I was a baby,
So in life am I pampered?

I don't even know the answer.
I feel like I'm constantly being tested,
And I don't know the questions,
I feel like when I'm doing self reflection,
I'm reading War and Peace and I'm dyslexic,
I guess one could say my adolescence has been hectic.

Am I in a hurry to leave it?
For what reason?
What do you think I will find peace in?

I don't know but,
Life as an adult can be like getting shot out of a catapult.
So I straddle both sides,
Take the line and blur it real fine,
Then dump chlorine and gasoline on it, then watch cartoons while guzzling wine.

I'm water and fire,
I foster desires,
Of destruction, consumption, and then comeuppance.
Leave my fate up in
The air.
Remember to breathe...

That's all I know.