Am I coming or going, I can barely decide

02/07/2021
Am I coming or going?
I can barely decide!

How many times can one man think,
In one 36 years old lifeline,
Am I coming or going?
I can barely decide!
Always in the position,
That if I don’t do,
I die!

I’m Edging closer to the cliff edge of my life,
One wrong movement,
And my world will crumble and fall.
Like when you use dry sand,
To make a sandcastle.
Nothing works with a dry sand wall!
One wrong or right decision,
From my doctors or I.
Then it’s winner takes all!

Weightless,
as I sit in limbo.
Watching the world pass,
From my home,
Or hospital,
Prison like,
Window.
Not letting it reveal itself.
Smiling,
So it doesn’t show.

I seem to have more lives than a cat.
They’ve nine,
And I’m sure I’ve used 10,
Added to that.
My joker card in life has had me a Cropper.
So To it,
I take off my hat.
It’ll always be by my side.
No matter where in my life I’m at.

Dipping and diving.
Surviving and striving.
For my life,
I’m continually fighting.
See my 3 types of cancer,
Are rarer than mostly anything,
Even being struck by lightning!

Pains in the background.
Pains on top.
Feeling like I’m floating around,
With mainly pain on my clock.
I’d rather stay on the ground,
Shackled to a rock.
Than continue this pain that my body found,
Finally in this lifetime,
 having a better type of lot.

So again I must ask,
Am I coming or going,
I can barely decide,
Is it going to be soon?
The end of this Bevans' ride.
Is a nailed up coffin going to be my home,
Sooner rather than later,
Whilst I rot inside?

I hate these thoughts,
Rattling around inside of my brain.
I hate them so much,
They drive me mad insane.
I hate how they make me feel.
I wish my mind,
Body and my soul,
Were more in tact,
Less in pain.
I hate that I’m questioning my life again!