Poem -
Aries
None to be won when there isn't competition
Falling fast, breathing slow numerous repetition
Running, run faster you might just fall off that rock
This ship's sailed but you're still standing by the dock
Wandered nonstop as it sailed over the backstop
Who would capture me when I fall off that rooftop
The wind picks up pushing me forward as I glide
Decisions made, give up on this ghost town
Soaring high beyond all not even looking down
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Comments
Hello, Jolene.
The rhyme scheme you've created for this piece is interesting.
You begin with an aabbcc rhyme then deviate from that by slipping in an extra line using an "e" rhyme.
You then return to your original rhyme scheme for the final two lines, or dd.
I found that the line with the "e" rhyme threw the entire rhythm of the poem off for me and I'm wondering why you felt it necessary to include it.
Other than that minor nit, I thought the rhyming, meter and flow, not to mention the message this conveys, to be exceptionally well penned.
Good work,
~Dean Kuch ...?️
Agreed..that one line "the wind picks up pushing me forward as I glide" throws me into a OCD tailspin lol..
if that line were just altogether removed this piece would flow much better. Otherwise, very nice work!