Associations

Tonight I reached out

I tried so hard not to feel alone

And my friend swang by

So here I am

I am not alone

My body is warmed by air that circulates

Between familiar faces

We share breath

We bounce our voices off the walls

There's laughter... joy... affinity

Children smile as they rebel within the limits

Elders heat up food

Men slap hands together

Click their fingers

Stories are passed around

Women gasp in astonishment

The floorboards bounce

Chairs are swapped

The lights hang above our heads

As names are beckoned

And yet

I am not out there

I am in here

My feelings gurgle down a widenning drain

Away from their light

I can't be present to the ones I love

I can't love myself

Coffee percolates

Sweets come past

I take one and smile

It's a mask

There's a new baby

So small

I won't get close

Don't want to steal an energy that's not mine to take

I heard even tickelling their feet is a selfish act

Like picking a rose

Kisses now

Waves goodbye

The night winds up

And I could end it later

Finish with this disassociation

And a memory disembodied but pleasant

With just enough of the familiar

Not to feel bad