Confession

I wanna confess, I wanna come clean, 
I want to  explain what happened during year 2k17.
The rumours and gossip on the shit I’ve done isn’t completely but mainly true. But the person you described me as is neither me or you.
The person I was that summer and school year,  was actually the person who I somewhat fear.
Lost, oblivious, and greatly in pain,
I‘d lay in my bed while the tears on my face fell like the rain. 
However I’d cover this up with a fake laugh and smile, which would last for a long time and not just for a little while.
Actions done through pressure and being manipulated, but because this was unknown, 
I went on to be hated.
Confused and hurt almost everyday,
I couldn’t tell them because I didn’t know what to say.
Besides I mean who would believe me? They didn’t understand because I was the person no one wanted to be.
What I didn’t understand is why they hated and treated me this way. I would overthink and stay up some nights and pray.
I’d pray that one day, maybe one day they will see me different, and I’d fit in and have a place.
But that didn’t happen because in everyone’s eyes I was and i am a disgrace.
A disgrace to women and mankind. Heck I was even to my family and deep down, that was something I really did mind.
I minded it so much that it killed me inside, but I could never show that to people so I just decided to hide.
And hide I did. I bottled it up and shrugged it off like it was no big deal. But this was which what made it even harder to heal.
A gash, a hole deep in my heart that I looked to fill, but because I never spoke up, it’s broken and empty still. 
The void was a problem that I tried to ignore, but every time I did, the more they’d call me a whore.
Nevertheless, despite all my efforts and all of my luck, they’d all still yell “suck my dick” or “tryna fuck?”
And fuck around I did because I decided to just say screw it, But I didn’t like this,not even a bit.
The glances and stares that people around me   have given is what makes me scared in the world that I live in. 
I’m hesitant of hugs and convos from straight guys, for the fear that they’d try to grab my ass and would avoid to even look me in the eyes.
What most people fail to notice is that I am human. This means I can feel the same things and emotions as every other woman.
I still try to pretend that everything is alright,
however this is something that I’m willing to try and fight.
I am not the person you thought you knew.
 So don’t judge me, because you don’t even know half the things I’ve been through.
I’m not asking for you to feel sorry or sad, what I’m only asking for, is for you to simply understand.