Defeat'n Evil
POEM BY: EDDIE CANNON -
SITT'N HERE IN THOUGHT, THINK'N CRAZY SHIT THROUGH???
EVIL OVERWHELMS THE GOOD, NOW WHAT THE HELL TO DO???
A WORLD OF SICKNESS IN ITS DEMONIC BREW???
KIDNAPPED CHILDREN, BUT BY WHO???
A RAPIST ON THE PROWL, AIMS TO PENETRATE YOU???
THIS EVIL IS "SATAN", IN THE LEWD???
RELIGIOUS TERROR PLOTS, ALL OVER THE NEWS???
FAKE ASS PEOPLE TAKING LOVE, JUST TO GIVE A BRUISE???
A "PEOPLE" SO OPPOSING TO LOVE, THE DEVIL'S CONFUSED???
DEATH SEEKING GUNMEN, SHOOT'N UP SCHOOLS???
ADULTS BROWSING FOR CHILDREN IN THE NUDE???
THE WRATH OF HATE, OUR HEART HASN'T A CLUE???
THE ACT OF SURPRISE, BUT DAMN-IT WE KNEW??
A NEW PAIR OF SINS, DON'T SLIP ON THOSE SHOES???
HOW TO CHANGE A PLACE, "SO BLUE"???
MUST CONTEMPLATE THE NEXT MOVE???
CHANGE IS POSSIBLE, A CHOICE TO CHOOSE???
A SPIRITUAL BATTLE OF MORALS, SHOULDN'T EVEN BE A FEUD???
THE TREACHERY OF ACTIONS, EXISTING SO PRUDE???
I'M TIRED OF EVIL WINNING, I'M FIRING A NUKE???
A BENDED KNEE IN PRAYER, OR LOSE THE BATTLE GLUED TO PEWS???
"THE MIND IS THE BATTLE FIELD", LET'S ENVISION A GRANDEUR VIEW???
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Comments
Hi Eddie
I'm in complete agreement with Angel, her honest critique for me was spot on, apart from the meaning of the question marks lol! I think the content was good and had a lot of potential which perhaps wasn't as fulfilled as it could have been. Your rhyme is good but sometimes if you are going to go with rhyme you have to make sure it doesn't take away from the content and flow of your work. Angel was right in that some of the lines seem to fall short whether it just be a simple addition of a word and extending your lines. Just be careful when you write a line in a certain way for rhyming that you keep the original meaning of what you are trying to say. In the below line where it says 'the evil is satan in the lewd, it doesn't make sense because lewd is an act and I'm not sure nude would have been appropriate either lol!! Wasn't 100% sure what you were trying to say on that line so if I have misinterpreted I apologise.
I really liked your idea and on the whole you put the gist over well, I would just suggest perhaps to go over each line and read it yourself and if you faulter on your lines then usually there is a reason it doesn't flow. It's hard when it's not your write and it's not for me to say, I have only tried to give a more indepth critique because you asked me to look at it. I copied the first section of your write and have just tweaked a couple of things ever so slightly just to try and show you what I mean about adding words for flow. What you do with your poem is you choice and I hope you don't think I am being rude. Just trying to say it how I read it. Good luck with your work and look forward to reading more:)
SITT'N CONTEMPLATING, THINKING CRAZY SHIT THROUGH
EVIL OVERWHELMS THE GOOD, NOW WHAT THE HELL TO DO?
A WORLD OF DEATH AND SICKNESS, BUBBLING IN AN EVIL BREW
KIDNAPPED FRIGHTENED CHILDREN, NEVER KNOWING WHO!
A RAPIST ON THE PROWL, AIMS TO PENETRATE YOU!
THIS EVIL IT IS "SATAN", WITH A LUSTFUL MIND SO LEWD
RELIGIOUS TERROR PLOTS, ALWAYS MAKING HEADLINE NEWS
FAKE ASS PEOPLE TAKING LOVE, JUST TO GIVE A BRUISE!
Hi Rachel,
I want to say thank you for your time! I understand the depths of your explaination in much greater detail.. this makes sense.. I will post more soon, and maybe I will improve!!! thanks and I like your writing Rachel Gardiner