Do you know?

You guys know depression correct? 

Yes? Okay well good I've avoided a long explanation. 
You know how depression can be severe? Yes? Okay another explanation avoided.

Do you KNOW a man once told me that depression was something you could walk off? No? Oh. Well...here's my explanation.

Some days, it's small, it's insignificant and I have the ability to smile and let myself be me. Let myself be alive. And some days it's a dark cloud that hangs over my head. 

I know, cliché, isn't it?

Yeah, it is. It's REALLY cliché. But what isnt cliche is that most days that cloud stays there, I lose myself in the winds of anxious doubt it brings from the ground up, I drown in the pouring rain it spouts out that are called my tears, I'm burned by the strikes of lighting that represent my sudden thoughts of harm.

He doesn't know that some days I lay in bed unable to move as I fight feeling the worthlessness because I CANT move. It's an endless cycle! 

Sir do you know that sometimes if I am having such a bad day where the cloud forms it lays like a fog around my shoulders bearing down harder and Harder and HARDER until my feet drag and I feel weak. 

Sir do you know that I appreciate every good day that comes to me because right now I have so few.

Do you know that I cry at 4 in the morning because I can't sleep because if I do will I have the will to wake up? To open my eyes? Will it be a good day where I can muster that up? That I CANT SLEEP because if I do I will be left to my thoughts...and out of all of my fears, that is the thing I fear the most. To be left to the constant screaming of my brain and the fears of what I haven't done, what I could have done! Sudden thoughts of SHOULD I JUST NOT TRY! 
Do you know that I'm trapped within this mind that is warring with itself and sparring with logic and that sometimes the ANXIETY THAT RIDES ALONGSIDE THE RULER CALLED DEPRESSION WINS AND LOGIC LOSES AND THATS WHY I have bad days... it conquers...it reigns. With an iron fist that I cannot break because the iron fist is wrapped around me. Holding me in place. Sometimes it loosens its grip...but it never yields to my fight. 

So no I can't sleep, I let my body rest in my bed wondering if I should yet again wake my mama, my mother, my light. And ask her to sing to me and try not to add in the fact that the ruler is urging me to add in 'one last time'. And I sometimes relinquish control and wake her and ask knowing that she faces the same fears I do with her anxiety about which bill comes next and is she everything I want to be? And I listen to her sing. But my mind never lets me sleep. 

DO YOU KNOW that if I make it out of my bed despite the dragging feeling I can only get to the floor and stare in my mirror and avoid the temptations to smash my forehead against it and scatter the shards in the air like the thoughts of sadness that scatter in my brain?! 

Depression is a monster that clings to the robe I wear everyday and drags along like an anvil tied on Wile coyote's ankle as he tries to reach his goal of the sustenance that is his meal- MY goal of HAPPINESS! It does not go away with a walk, though fresh air may help in some cases. It never moves. It is a boulder in front of me that I push constantly up the hill but can never reach the top like Sisyphus! 

SO DONT YOU DARE TELL ME TO WALK OFF WHAT CLINGS TO ME!