Do You Know What It's Like?

Do you know what it's like?
I do...
I know how it feels to look in the mirror and be disgusted with what you see. I know all too well.
Do you know how it feels?
To wake up each day knowing you are just a huge disappointment to everyone you meet...
To know that no matter what you do or how many times you say sorry, your past mistakes just don't go away.
I know. I know all to well.
I know what it's like to hate the person that you are.
I know what it's like to wish that one day you just don't wake up. 
I know what it's like to live with pain and regret and to loathe the person you see in the mirror. 
I know what it's like to try so hard and still fail so bad.
I know so well what it's like to pray and no one hears your prayers.
Do you know what it's like?
To wish so much to not be like your mother, and instead you turn out worse...
All I ever wanted was to be a good mother to my little girl.
But I just ended up being the biggest disappointment.
I don't deserve her.
Anymore than I deserve life.

I'm sorry for the pain that I've caused. 
I'm sorry for the lies I've told.
I'm sorry for the hurtful things I've said.
And I'm especially sorry for not being a proper mother.
For not doing better...
I'm sorry for not being the person everyone wanted me to be.

Do you know what it's like?

To live this way and not being able to a thing about it. 

To just beg God to have mercy and end it.

Or to wish you could push a redo button?
No... you have no idea.