Easter as interpreted by this atheist

though avast percentage 
     of Stone Temple Pilots, she push peep pulls 
     viz vernacular speaking population
     to most pious take as gospel 

     every word in religious tomes 
     their collective soul asylum polestar, 
     and doth decree important doctrines 
     with especial accord

equal insignificance applied toward 
    Judeo-Christian holidays across the board
thus easter tis no exception to the golden rule, 
     where santa claus reached an a chord

follow auspicious signs alit in the night sky 
     shaped like a drinking gourd
perhaps amassing plentiful harvests 
     upon hamlets strewn 

     across scantily populated Earth
     asper cornucopia exhibited secret hoard
sharing  plentiful Horn 
     (and Hard art learned lesson) 
     to stave off barren ness, ignored

going forward seeding nascent 
     March Madness with help from Lord
     and Tailor as midwife hoot 
     tended Ville Nova moored

by Wildcat fanatics, who unbelievably  
     espied heavens cleft asunder 
     and golden rays poured
while collective spectators loudly screamed 

     akin to the soundgarden 
     of ferocious cats roared
witnessed history scored

earning players knighted 
     with Excalibur sword
thence entire team handed 
     Taj Mahal shaped award 

which aforementioned ass hide lacks, cuz zit 
     happens tubby April Fool's joke
thus above iterated verses somehow 
     needs just a little bit of relevance to yoke

thine admitted ambivalent reaction to sports, 
     yea aye pay figurative toke
hen to Rabbinic, generic fanatic primal 
     tribal village people clan destine woke

and swinging focus of this poem 
     back toward Religious perp ported berth
when (sans antiquity) trumpet signaled 
     thus, any superstitions blew away dearth 

when distant shofar heard 
     in every home and hearth
anticipating arrival of the Easter Bunny,    
     who brings mirth

and hop poly distributes sweet treats, 
     which children as grown adults, 
     no matter necessity for teeth to be removed
     the sugary over indulgence wool worth 
     
today thee American Dental Association chastises candy 
     manufacturers bandying more weight
gaining deadly, debauched, and decadent, trait
then adultery verboten fruit to sate 
hash-tagged reprobate.