Fearsome thoughts

Flaming balls of fire to the desire in my heart...
flaming balls of fire riptearing me apart,
limb by limb by bone and shin,
they'll be nothing left of this dad called jim...
never mind.
there's always a way of making me laugh or keeping me smiling.
always ways of life and light and the joy that bring them. 
lighten even the darkest corners of my brain,
the brain I feel isn't quite there and isn't quite sane cos I know in the pit of my stomach things for my kids will never be the same....
no days out or in, 
cinemas or adventure climbing,
is the prospect of a future with me brings.
the way my body has these uncanny wicked evil ways,
wanting to take me from you so the devil can have with me to play,
oh he'll have his day and that he will be granted,
but just not yet,
let me look after these little bundles of joy that I once planted,
let me give them the love and joy and dont let it squander, wonder and disappear from their memories.
don't let my deepest fears become theirs,
those are something a father,
with his kids,
he never shares.
I'm not selfish so I smile and go on,
let my boys think im ok and that there is nothing wrong.
they'll learn one day in the future,
but for now these fearsome thoughts would do nothing but hurt more,
when all I want is for my boys to grow like our love that I've carefully nurtured.
they are my mini mes',
no thought in the world could crush the love I have for all three of these.
They are all that brings light to my world,
without them,
I fear my life would just stop.
Crumble and unfurl.
there would be no reason to ever live in this world. 
so I'm thankful to my boys for the strength they give and I want them to know,
now or then,
that my love for them,
forever it lives, will never die and never unfold
xxxxxxxx