feeling anxiously

My anxiety feels like my lungs are filling up with water, like I’m drowning from the inside.

That’s why I thank my dad, every time I make it through a panic attack for teaching me how to swim and my mom for being my life jacket.

I was taught to walk with my head held high, I always thought it was the worst advice for me because I hate making eye contact, I hate that I wear my heart on my sleeves and by just one look all of my secrets, all of the bones in my closet are now on full display and my mistakes are now a museum.

My face is now a yard sale and my whimpers are signs on lampposts, that tell you that you are so close, and my dirty secrets are through the up coming corner on your left, and they help you find just wear my sanity lies.

Some mornings I wish that I could erase words like anxiety or anxious from existence, so that I could maybe find out if I’m more than that.

Some days I wonder if the constant foot tapping is just to over power the loud drumming in my heart.

Most nights I wonder if my family can hear me trying to muffle my cry’s but choose not to bother because maybe I’m too far gone.

I know they say that good things never last but why is it that the bad things go on for a lifetime?