Feeling my biggest while wearing my smallest

I don’t like looking into a mirror, but something inside of me tells me I have to- because maybe i just now gained the extra pound i’ve been trying to shake off for days. Nevermind of my actual body or my pants size, I will never feel the way people want me to. I feel proud when someone tells me I look sick, I feel accomplished and strong whenever someone points out that they’re worried about me. But is that really me feeling accomplished? Or is it just the voice inside of my head again that would if it  could exchange my body for the one of a 10 year old. Admitting this feels wrong but deep down I still want to win. I want to eat the slowest, be the smallest, feel the sickest and finally feel like I won the competition inside my head. I might be tired and cold all the time but who really cares because if I wanna be pretty I gotta suffer for it right. 
Maybe you didn’t mean it when you told me I looked bigger now, but the truth is whenever I think of it, I won’t eat for two days just to make sure you are wrong. To make sure the shrink I felt in my stomach was wrong. I don’t want to die, but knowing if i keep going my body will eventually run out of energy makes me feel comforted. Comforted as in I finally reached the finish line, where i always wanted to be at. But let me guess i won’t even make it to my celebration party because by then my body will already have shut down and finally found it’s peace.