first and last

I felt a gentle pause
A comforting kick on the edge of the unknown
A swift stroke of luck
Broken by the paralysis of not being accepted
I will never understand it 
Sometimes i feel like i wont ever find that moment of time
Where you just know
Feel
Hear
Sense
love
Being Loved
It was never expected
To be honest
Never thought of
Aswell
Never protected or nurtured
And not the kind that comes from mom
But the nurtering that comes from instinct
Survival
Experience

I often wondered was it love
I couldnt say
But i wonder
I Wandered
Alone yet surrounded by what seems like infinite life
It was intimidating
Harsh
Unforgiving 
And though infinite life provides you with enough oppurtunity
as the ocean provides water for fish
I never took it
Looked for it
Or even Believed i could grasp onto it

That gentle pause i onced felt
Was then consumed by fear
Hate
Self depricating thoughts 
That maybe not everyone is accepted
Whether theyre ment to be or not
Had it or lost it
Everyone needs a hand 
Hug 
Heart
Sometimes a second chance 
Maybe even 6 or ten

Is that love? 
I questioned that and soon came to the belief
That not everything must be questioned
And not everything must be answered
Let be what should be 
Do, what you should do
And love who you love
Simple, yet
Releasing
Intoxicating, yet
Sobering

Observing old feelings now 
I see i was in the middle
The belly of life
The outskirts or egde was to far to see
I was lost
But i was okay
I didnt know it
But i was 
Ive been growing since then, learned, matured
Climbed ffrom the plateau i was so comfortable on
Leaped into the unknown
And let it consume part of me
I know now when there is a divider inside of you
You can never fully grow
Love
Feel
You can... but only partly 

Until i let my self go
Let go of what i want to be and let be
Do what i can do
Love who i dont choose to love
That moment will be there
It wont wait
As opportunity doesnt knock twice
But i now know there will always be another moment
Another chance
Another love.