Gaslights in the Night

So these are my thoughts
On love and on life
I'll shout it out to the world
That when two hearts collide
They rip the universe open
Exploding the sky
Letting love pour out all over
The day and the night
Saturating the world
With love’s rays of sunshine

A collision from love
Is the most powerful kind
It puts dreams inside your mind
It can be destructive if shame instigates lying
And the same if only one falls undeniably
But sometimes
It can be the most beautiful thing
Love gives your life new meanings
It makes you want to dance and sing
It inspires you to create anything

Falling for him was real easy
Especially when he smiled into my eyes
Just remembering the feeling
Makes me feel high
I know that he wants me
And I want him too
So I smile back at him
And then he feels high too

Sparks of electricity noticed by all eyes
But we tell the others
They're just fireworks lighting up the dark sky
Igniting the fire and burning through the night
We light the way
Not just so we can see
Becoming hard to contain
Flames growing bigger everyday
But to others that's what we say
And try to hide it away

This kind of love is what ruins lives
Because it's totally fake
While being completely alive
Your brain stops working
Your mind brings no insight
Your heart is running the show
And it's pushing and pulling you
From totally opposite sides

When day comes around
We both agree to hide
But my heart sinks real low
Because our love has to be disguised
Then I try to justify reasons
Why
We can't just be true
We both know it too
That forbidden love
If kept alive
Will eventually conquer and divide
So we tell ourselves lies
Then we lift each other up
We live for the night

We're like actors in a play
And showtime is only at dark
Then in the light of the next day
At times I am even made to think
There was never any play the previous day
So I try to put my feelings away
I tell myself it's not real anyway
Then I look down at my hands
And they are holding
Our hearts and their plans

Because when I mentioned
The explosion to him
As we were falling in love
Wondering if we would let love win
I asked what we should do about us

I ended up feeling kind of really fucked up
When he wouldn't say anything to me
So I told myself the explosion
Had to be something I made up
It twisted my reality
It almost took my sanity
And he knows it

So then he tried to ignore me
He avoided me for a while
And I could see the pain in his eyes
When he walked by
When he tried to hide

But sometimes he couldn't stay away
He'd show up late at night
All our love would rush out the flood gates
We couldn't stop it
We tried
It would even spill over into the day
Trickling in from the saturated night

We were electric
Our souls aligned
He’d give me so many signs
That he wanted to give me his life
He would only let me know
With metaphors and similies
But he wouldn't let me know
With direct words directly
If what I saw and felt was right
And it fucked my world up
Night after night

When an explosion from colliding love
Is kept secret in the night
It makes you feel like you're crazy
From the constant gaslights
It's my theory of
The giant lie in the sky
It's as if love’s explosion blotted out the moon
Then wiped the stars from the sky
All that's above us now is the dark night
And all of this happens
Right in front of our eyes
Every night
Just an empty black sky

So when the night comes
And I spend it with him
I know that I've fallen
And he knows I love him
The night gets erased
Black floods the sky
I look up toward the atmosphere
And I verify
I don't see anything I fucking should
In that dark vacant-ass sky

And he doesn't either
Just a dark black night
Nothing is what we see
When we turn our eyes up high
Nothing at all is covering the sky
And this nothing is the something
That's entirely fucking up my life
And it's messing with my brain
Making me question what I see
Making me think
I really made it all up
Maybe it was really all me

Then he comes around
And he shows me
How he really wants us to be
How he wants me so desperately
He sings to me like he's my angel
He takes my kids under his wings
He becomes my protector
And it completely wrecks me

From winter to summer
Love really fucked both of us up
I was never just a number
To him
I was his one and only true love

The day I finally mustered up
Enough courage to ask
About our past
He said nothing at all
Except for
He can't

That wasn't good enough for me
I needed his feelings too
He denied me everything I asked for
All I wanted was his entire world
And it not to be hidden under the stars and moon
And for him to give me the total truth
I wanted that so desperately too

And then I felt bad
I shouldn't have asked
I felt injustice explode
And it couldn't be masked
I called him out on his big fat lie
And of course I cried
I died inside
Because in the end
I know why he lied

I fell in love with a beautiful soul
Who wasn't ready to let his past go
And so I told myself to believe
That I imagined our passion
That clenched us so deep
But I was deceived
Protecting himself
Day by day
He would say
That he was immune to feelings
Love was impossible for him to give away

So in the end I assumed all fault
But our love was not
A fucking manic delusion at all
I hope he at least feels ashamed
I tried to convince myself it was me
That my mania was the one to blame

But now that we don't lift each other up anymore
I know our love was true
‘Cause now when I catch a glimpse of him
As he walks by
I see how heavy it is
For him to carry on top of him
The wreckage from the explosion
His smile doesn't glow anymore
His eyes don't shine like the day
His aura is sad and blue
He tries to hide the pain
But it's refusing to fade
Away from his face

I never really think he knew
That he was the glue I used
To put my pieces back together
It was him that inspired me
To free myself
Of the life that was imprisoning me
I just never knew
That some the broken pieces I glued
Were his
But he did
And he knew they'd be a perfect fit
And complete me
Like they did

The pieces he gave me were rigid
Why he never said
But I know someone hurt him badly
He told himself his feelings were all dead
He swore the only good use of women
Was to get them in bed
But then he met me
And I spun his world and he couldn't see
He had feelings that were breaking free
And he couldn't allow that again
To give his bleeding heart out
And risk it getting irreparably broken

He denied me because of his ego
So fuck him and his games
He's a big huge asshole now anyway
He should take the blame
For letting me think I was going insane
But now I know he does
It's true
The real reason he’s gone now is
Because he was hurt badly
By our love too

He taught me
Love's only true keeper
Is the fiery sun burning bright
Never ever the dark of the shady night
As much as I love him
I know the end was right

When love is hidden
And no one else knows
It's easy to sweep under the carpet
It simpler for our story to never be told
So he fucking lied
To protect his damn pride
'Cause he won't be that guy
That lets anyone know
That he's madly in love
With another man's wife
Even to me
He was not answering

But his eyes
They never lied
When ours connected
Our souls touched deep inside
The world disappeared
And we gave each other
New meanings to life

So when he decided
We couldn't be anything anymore
I didn't know what to do
I let my love out pour
My feelings ran and emotions dripped
Lies that hurt him badly
Were what was returned from him

This time he told me
Never
And goodbye
But it's what he had to do
Because he really isn't a shitty guy
Sad but true
And my husband knew too

As he spoke
He knew I knew
He was lying to me
He couldn't face his feelings
He couldn't set them free
He couldn't even look at me
Afraid they'd be too damaging
He ran away and hid
Then he closed himself off to me
And this is what we both did

We cried
For a very long time
About us we grieved
Our painful love fucking tore us up
And we picked up our pieces
Separately

Believe me when I say
That true love is only real
If it is visible in the day
No matter how you feel
If it's hidden in the night
It's destined to be doomed
 

Because love is an explosion of light
Too powerful to be bound
By the dark night sky
And the dim light of the moon

But the truth is I still love him

And I hope he'll always love me too