Her name is Solemn

My heart is solemn, but my mind still plays aloof, like a child. I am young and wild, and full on THIS life.  I want nothing more than to accept myself for what I am, but I find myself cutting ties like compromise is my knife. My soul is cold, and this story to me is getting very old. Everything feels much like a script bought n sold, to the highest bidder.  I am a true and I AM bitter, and I am one, but I my words give birth to a litter.  There is a source deep inside of me that equals three . Solitude is my nemesis, afraid is my genesis, and Solemn has been the truest friend to me.  Only when I am left here, standing alone with my thoughts do I really start to depend and hear what matters from the start.  I can set me free. I can see exactly what Solemn wants me to be. I know can do whatever I want, but Solemn, she won't let me believe...  So, I'm asking what does tomorrow bring?  She says heaven only knows.  But really does heaven even want to know...does it even care to know the desires of this old and solemn heart.  How can I expect heaven to anything, when I don't even know to start.  Caring about the woes that were brought on by my actions and of my foes.  The ones that claim they love me but are the first to throw the blows, first to throw stones, first to turn a cold shoulder when I can't make it on my own.  When I die all that is left is bones.  My vertebrate is strong, I mean its carried so much weight and even for this long.   All these years, all these tears, all my paranoid delusions & all my fears.  I love myself for the way that I am not, but sometimes I get caught,  deep into a place, wondering without a face, feeling so outta place.  What I need grace or is it mercy?  I call on the man above!  I mean how much love is it gonna take, before the day I finally break.  Man it feels great, to express what I'm feeling, or maybe I'm just dealing choruses to a hit song for an artist that I should be billing.  Man, Its been way too long.  I don't understand half of what is real or understand how the hell I keep moving on.  But I see everything.  Solemn... I exhale slow, right before I say...Solemn, its such a heavy and rich and powerful seed.  You take it all in and then you concede, you see that without it, there is no definition of the self only greed.  There is nobody else to blame.  Just me.  I live and I see...more and more what there is to explore and it goes far beyond what the human eye sees, the desires or the temptations of my heart that that has called me.  over and over.  People passing by, blank looks in their eyes, going through the motions of life.  We are all looking for something. But what we find is Solemn, she is soft and subtle.  She doesn't make you a better person, she makes everything a struggle.  Never considered what was actually going on inside of me, Solemn eating away at my core.  And once more, I sit waiting for the gift to lift me to a higher plane so I can get rid of it once more.  Doctors would label me insane if I told them the half of it.  Strangers would say I'm playing a game but if they could see what I can see they'd ravage it.  Those that have been through it taught themselves not to give a shit.  Does "it" really matter?  Any of it?  How much of it?  My advice to me, Handle it.  That's why I'm not defeated by Solemn.  Go numb or go dumb then swallow it.  Just don't give weight to those hateful souls, there minds so bold with their private thoughts, caught in a web of deceit and lies, one day they'll get caught up and follow it.  I can feel their cries at night when they think the world is asleep.  Solemn keeps me on my feet and by no means is she weak. .  Solemn is a spirit that doesn't speak.