I Can't Deal With It

It’s almost like I never stopped mourning this

Maybe I never stopped mourning the sensation of you,

Of you always being there next to me

Of you always being able to tell me what to do.

But I crave this independence I now have

And I embrace how good it feels to get away from you

Yet I still find myself doing things and thinking,

“I’ll make you proud, I’ll make you proud.”

As if your pride should even affect me now,

As if I can’t lead myself through these thorns

And find the exit that leads to my future.

Why can’t I do this without reaching for your approval?

Why do I still cringe when I do something wrong?

Why do I still cry when I can feel that you’re mad?

Like now.

Like most days.

I can’t go one day without having someone

Push thoughts of you into my brain,

Thoughts I’d previously expelled because of how 

Fucking painful they were.

Like the fact that you were only there for my birthday,

Like the fact that you weren’t there for hers

When she clearly loved you so much more that I.

When she clearly cried so much more than I.

Like when we had to send you pictures of his birthday

And the fact that he never really met you…

Yet he knew who you were.

Yet he loved you so much more than I.

And he pointed to you, he pointed

At the casket when I asked where he wanted to go

And he whispered to me, “Daddy.”

And I watched as he tried to wake you.

And I watched as she cried on that bench

That was much too big for her to sit alone yet no one sat beside her

Because they were scared to see what she was writing

In that little notebook they’d given her as an ‘I’m Sorry’ present.

And I watched as she prayed for you to be her angel

And I watched as he grew up not knowing you

Yet you still said I was your favorite

When after years of the same, I begged for your death.

When I watched you fall and as you fell I fell with you,

When as you fell I began to doubt you,

I began to doubt your word.

Something no one had done but me.

Yet you were proud of me,

Yet I still look for your pride

And I still look for the forgiveness

That I never begged for before this.

So why am I in this stage

Of wanting you,

Of wanting you back,

When I never wanted this before.

-A.D.