I hate that I don't hate you

I hate that I don’t hate you

I hate that I don’t hate you, the lyrics to a song that play over and over in my head.  Each day when I feel the cool breeze caress my skin, I hate that I don't hate you. I am reminded that you are no longer here, and right there and then I hate that I don’t hate you.  What is the secret to forgetting you, what is the trick to erasing you from my memory? What is the secret to happiness without you?  I am trying to eradicate you from my heart; however, sadly, I cannot.  I am trying my best to fill my memory with mundane things, yet every minute that I take a pause my mind takes met back to you!  It is not normal to love you this way… I hate that I don’t hate you, I also hate that I miss you… Oh God, how I miss you! My heart is bleeding for you.  I have tried to stop loving you millions of times and instead this feeling take over my heart and mind.  Tears flow down my cheeks; the blood that flows through my veins is now poisoning me, without you living makes no sense to me!!!

I tried to delete all the memories we made; I tried to delete your image from my mind, but it is impossible!  This is a disaster, each time it gets worse.  The day we said good bye, I knew that your departure cut my heart open. I was left alone bleeding love… I am slowly decaying, I cannot go on like this.  I am trying so hard to find something that could fill this void within my heart! I tried everything, but as it turns out the only one that can fill this void is you.  I hate that I don’t hate you!  Every time I promise to move on, there is something that brings me back to you.  I could drive a thousand miles, drown in an ocean or jump off a mountain; I could rip my heart out of my body, and I still love you.  In my dreams I see you, in my memories I see you.  I see you in every passing person, and on every rain drop as I drive through a storm… this is a catastrophe; the world is now black and white.  I cannot sleep; it hurts to breathe.  We separated; we did not break up; but as it turns out you broke me!  I hate that I don’t hate you! I hate that I miss you.  Honestly, I hate the most that I know you love me back, but what we once had is now just a memory.  You and I could never be again… and the song plays on...I hate that I don't hate you.