Just a Dream---dedicated to baby Isabella (12.20.13-12.29.13)

The words echo in my heart and head

"There is nothing more we can do for her."

Was it her who had given up? Or

was it you? Or was it God?

This is all just a dream.

The beeping rings in my ears and mind

"My daughter is still alive," I said.

"She hasn't given up on life,

and I will not give up on her."

This is all just a dream.

I can feel the sensation of my husband's hand on my shoulder.

"Honey, God is calling her home," his voice said.

"Why do you keep on saying these things?

Why must your words torment me?" I cried.

This is all just a dream.

The doctor continued, "I understand

this is hard for you, but---"

"No you don't understand! She's a part of me!

You're asking me to take my daughter's life away!"

This is all just a dream.

"I'm sorry, but it's time to say goodbye.

We must go now while you still have a chance

to see her one last time alive," he insisted.

A tear began its descent down the side of my face.

This is all just a dream.

My reluctant footsteps only enhance the deafening noise

of the silence in the hospital corridors.

I grip my husband's hand so tightly as we

approach the NICU for a final time.

This is all just a dream.

I sit in the rocker as I hold my sweet baby girl,

and I watch her wired chest go up and down.

I caress her tiny hand. "Mommy is right her, my beautiful

princess, and I'm not going anywhere. Neither are you."

This is all just a dream.

The doctor said, "I'm afraid it's time now,"

and nodded to the nurse beside me.

I watched her fingers switch off the machines one by one,

everything that was keeping my little girl alive.

This was all just a dream.

I held back my tears as I studied my daughter's

beautiful face. Every line, every wrinkle,

every perfect feature to remember it all,

in fear that if I looked away, I would forget her.

This is all just a dream.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine," I sing to her in

a whisper, in hopes that she would respond to my voice.

"You make me happy when skies are gray."

I watch as her chest came to a standstill, and tears burned in my eyes.

This is all just a dream.

"You'll never know dear,"" I continued, "how much I love you."

I heard a sigh and my husband's tears behind me.

"Time of death," someone says.

"Please don't take my sunshine away."

This isn't a dream.