just sit there...

that moment when.. 
you just sit there.
and you don't move. and you know everything is
gonna be okay but you also know that in an instant it can go wrong.
so you just sit there. staring at a blank television screen.
listening to the eery noise it portrays ..
and you watch yourself in the reflection of the tv. 
you see yourself in a black tint and know that you're wasting time.
your eyes don't even twitch when 1:29 turns to 1:30. 
and you just sit there.
thinking..
wondering..
wishing and hoping..
that one day you're gonna hear those words:
"i'm proud of you chelsea" ..
and you just sit there.
knowing you won't ever hear those words from someone lost.
and you feel a welt in your heart.
it swells up..
that lump in your throat develops ..
and you feel a warm liquid brim over and fall down your face...
you look away from the tv and wipe your tears and take a deep breath.

and you just sit there.
wondering why you won't LET Yourself cry.
why you won't LET Yourself miss someone.
why you won't LET Yourself show weakness.
why can't i cry..?
why is it that i can't move..?

it feels numb.
your body shivers but your eyes stay fixed on darkness ..
you think of that person you miss and yet again a tear falls but you wipe it away..

and you just sit there. 
thoughts flooded with nothing but faces of people you miss.
your sister...
your dad..
and yes, even the vacant apparition of the IronMan you thought you'd always know...
so your eyes begin to close, you hold your hands down on your lap, and you just LET it happen. you LET Yourself cry alone in the living room.. 

then 10 minutes later notice it's 1:48. 
and you just sit there.
letting your face dry and your eyes return back to normal color.
the redness goes away.
the tears dry..
you take a deep breath..

then your parents get home.
they walk in.
and you just sit there.
you say hi and smile 
like nothing ever happened. 
you get up -
and just keep goin with your day...... 
no one knows you cried.
no one knows you had those thoughts.
no one knows you just sat there.
you keep goin.
because tomorrow -
you can yet again,
just sit there ......