Living my own dream or nightmare?

26/06/2020
Living my own Dream? Or nightmare?

Living my own dream?
Or nightmare when i think about it,
As most things in my life aren’t right,
It seems,
Except those in my close circle bubble.
Those close to me,
I hold them tight,
Out living,
beyond my wildest of dreams,
With my boys,
Partner,
Family and friends,
But then all dreams,
come to an end.

Not everything is as good in my life,
 Especially through my own eyes seen.
As well as laughter and smiles,
There’s days,
 only those,
 really close to me see.
As 15% of the time,
I have to think,
Not with pessimism,
But realistically.
Only way to realise my inner demons,
Is through poetry or lyrically.
So many people know of me,
As news of my cancer spreads faster,
Than my actual disease,
Not physically,
Or even mentally,
But theoretically!
Everyone wants to know the story of me,
So why not ask,
Instead of hearing 2nd,
 No,
Multiple hand stories,
I’ll always be an open book to everybody,
Just ask about my past!

Living my own dream?
Or nightmare when i think about it,
As most things in my life aren’t right,
It seems,
Except those in my close circle bubble
Those close to me,
I hold them tight,
Out living beyond my wildest dreams,
With my boys,
Partner,
Family or a friend,
But then all dreams come to an end.

My kids are my blessings
To carry my life through,
All 3 little miracles,
In everything they each do.
I’m meant to be infertile,
Chemo killing off my seeds to sew,
But I guess my body knew something,
Even my drs didn’t know.
That fate would let me be a father,
Even letting me watch my 3 boys grow.
Will I be fortunate enough,
To see my grandkids though?
If life's taught me something,
I’ll just let my life play out,
Sit back,
Relax and watch my lifes' show.
I’ve the best seats in the house,
Always there,
In the front row...

Living my own dream?
Or nightmare when i think about it,
As most things in my life aren’t right,
It seems,
Except those in my close circle bubble
Those close to me,
I hold them tight,
Out living beyond my wildest dreams,
With my boys,
Partner,
Family or a friend,
But then all dreams come to an end.

The nightmare part of my life I live,
Is my health,
Especially if it restricts me from seeing my kids. 
But I’d rather be fit and healthy,
Than letting my life derail,
And hit the proverbial skids!
Letting my cancer consume me,
No more opening,
Of my two alive eyelids.
My back pain cripples,
Sending shockwaves of pain,
All around my body,
Not this again.
My back and chest,
 Even beneath my nipples,
Right to the bottom of my foot,
Where it usually tickles.
But not this Time round,
They’re like electric shackles,
Making me feel,
To my pain bound.
Eternally I’ll always suffer,
But I’ll always be smiling,
And I’ll forever be around.
Whether up here,
Or 6 ft underground,
Even as bones,
I’ll be there to be found!

So my joy and happiness,
Overrides my lifes’ ripples and tears.
My smiles overrule,
Anything from out of the darkness,
Whenever that dark shadow appears.
As I realise My dreams are my reality,
Everything evil and dark in my life,
Simply,
Poofs, 
And disappears...
No pain,
No gain,
Will help you wash away,
Those ghosts that haunt you,
Your deepest of fears,
Looking ahead to a future,
Where I’ll see better years.
Sitting with my kids that are then men,
Playing poker,
Sipping our favourite drink or beers.
Going on holidays,
Grandchildren in toe.
To that,
I’ll always say cheers!
I’m lucky to be here now. 
I was lucky to be there then,
In each of my 3 boys,
Lifes' beginning.
We are the 4 remaining Bevans,
That on the families tree are left.
I’ve had my 1st 3 innings,
So it’s up to my boys now,
To carry the Bevan Crest.
They’ve just to grow up 1st,
I won’t wish away anymore time,
Before you start your own little nest.
I’m sorry boys,
But on your shoulders,
The Bevan name does rest.
My 3 lil amigos,
Will you be up to the test?
Of course you will,
As all 3 of you,
Make my dream,
Simply The Best!
I’ve overcome my nightmares,
I’m embracing my dreams,
But without my boys,
Where would I be,
Well 1st things 1st,
I’d be the end of the Bevan family tree.
But somehow I was graced,
With next to no fertility,
With 3 boys so great,
My miracle 3!
That’s why,
Even when times are hard,
I’m not living a nightmare,
If I’m living my dream.