Lost

Lost

I’ve so many things wrong with me,
But don’t take this,
As me thinking negatively.
Some you can’t see,
Whilst others show.
Physically,
Mentally,
But I can’t pinpoint the reason,
For me feeling so lost and rock bottom low?
I can’t quite put my finger on it?
Like it’s on the end of my tongue,
But can’t get it out somehow.
Bubbling on the surface,
Waiting there in hiding,
When in my mind will my reasons show?
I hate this feeling of self hatred,
Why is it that I feel this low?
I keep telling myself I’m stupid,
Which happens to be the first sign of madness,
I’ve heard it before,
 Speaking to yourself,
 I already  know.
It’s not madness I’m feeling from within,
But some kind of sadness,
Just coming on slow.
To think our world has been taken out,
by this coronavirus blow.
But it’s not that,
That’s enough to knock anyone sideways,
That I do know.
 I’m happy with my kids and my partner,
Even as this virus around us,
Continues to flow.
We are happy here together,
Safe with each other,
Within the many walls of our garden and home.
So it’s not that,
That’s got me stuck in this strange sort of depression hole,
I hate how it entwines in your mind,
Even restraining your soul.
It’s never happy,
Till you’re buried and cold,
Unless you find the entwined root of it,
And be released from its seemingly eternal hold.
All it takes,
Is what you give,
So give it nothing,
Not even a crumb, 
Just be bold,
As you don’t want to be feeling like this,
As you’re growing old.
Enjoy your time on this planet,
With your family,
 Friends and kids.
Rejoice in what you have already got,
Don’t let your life,
Hit the skids,
Veer away from the rocks,
Cherish each moment as a forget me not.
I’m just thankful,
With my kids,
Everyday I wake up,
Feeling Like I’ve won The eternal jackpot!
I’m no angel,
So I don’t expect my kids to be, 
But I do love watching them all grow up,
My mischievous but special 3,
So why do I feel so low,
When inside I’m always proud,
Always happy,
So I don’t understand,
Why I feel so down and crappy?
I’m on new meds,
Maybe that’s the reason that I feel this unhappy?

My partner is wonderful and cares for me so much,
It does help to be in her arms,
With her sweet and caressing touch.
Again,
Like my kids,
she makes me happy,
Snuggled up safely on the couch,
Watching movies till the street lamps go out...
So why is my mood so low,
I still don’t get it as such,
Why I’m being attacked like this,
and in depressions clutch? 
I don’t like this feeling,
I don’t know what to do,
So I’ll just put on a brave face,
Just like my late n great father did too!
People say money buys happiness,
But you can have all the money in the universe,
Having endless money,
Really doesn’t mean that much to us,
As we’re a loving family,
And happiness is limitless!
So again I ask,
When I have my happy world in the palms of my hands,
Why do i feel so depressed,
Is it simply cos' we are stuck in,
Only able to look out of my front window glass,
Do I feel a failure due to my past?
I just want my boys future to be happy,
My partners,
Family and friends ones too.
Not forgetting mine,
Si I’ll pull my head out off the sand,
And live my life once again,
As I’d previously planned!
Smiles,
Happiness and laughter,
No more of this self loathing pain!