Mommy's Truth

I dont really know where to start or what i can possibly say,To express my truth and feelings about why things are this way.

I know you've probably wondered why ive never stuck around,why i would be there with you one minuet then be gone without a sound.

I was selfish and uncaring when i had you boys with me,I was blinded by my addiction and passed that i could not see,just how special you gifts were that God gave to me.

I know i can never make up for all the time that we have lost,The choices i made were never thought out and in the end there was a cost.

Whats sad is that i knew you boys were the price i would have to pay,And even with that riding on the line i did it anyway.

After you were taken it was just me alone inside my mind,Drowning myself in everything and taking anything that i could possibly find.

I got to a point were i was so far gone and wanted to end it all,I would do good for a while but over and over i would fall.

I would ask myself "whats wrong with you? Is'nt loosing them enough".,Had my heart become that caloused that my spirit could be that rough.

"Whats wrong with you?" I would ask again as i continue to loose hope.Untill that day i found myself at the end of that long and deadly rope.

It was get it right or die for me there was no in between,My soul was dyeing slowly for so many years in me no life could be seen.

My life had got so dark and was just complete living hell,But my love for you remained although you could never tell.

I know that i have hurt you boys time and time again,I would always say "Im going to get right" and you would always ask me "When?

"I thought that i had lost you and would never have a chance again, To be not only a mom but a mom on who you can now depend.

Isaiah is the only one who will never get the chance to see me be the mommy he needed me to be.

It hurts everyday to realize and see all the damage that ive done,But today i dont allow that guilt  and shame to take me on those runs.

I leave my son isaiah in Gods hands and belive one day he will come around,and when he does that old woman he knew will be gone and never found.

I place you all in Gods hands untill we meet up again someday.I belive the special bond we share will bring you back again some how some way.

My only wish in this world is to be a mom again,I know that only time can help our hearts to mend.

I pray that one day you boys could find it in your hearts to forgive me,I know my words dont mean nothing but eventually you'll see That Jesus changed my life and showed me just how life should be.

I love you boys and need you in my life.A brand new start, To give you all the love thats sits so deep in mommys heart.

Each and every one of you are special gifts from up above, Now today i know how to appreciate you and share with you Gods love.

I am really and truly greatful that the Lord has found and rescued me,Without him i would still e lost and a chance could never be.But by his grace and mercy your mommys been set FREE.

Always remember Mommy loves you and I belive good things are up ahead, Because Mommys a new creation and that addiction is finally DEAD!!!

                                        Love,Mommy

My 7 beautiful boys Frankie,Rudy,Angel,Adrian,Alonzo,Anthony & Isaiah.