My Old Diary

My Old Diary.
I don't wear tight tops.
Cos I hate the way my body looks, so I cover it in lose cotton,
Telling myself I'll wear the red belly top again, 
When I'm, thin.

I don't wear jeans.
Cos I had a pair that were too tight, didn't get new ones,
cos forbid me for growing.
Telling myself I'll wear them again when my ribs are, showing. 

I don't wear shorts.
Cos when I sit down my tighs spread, like beached whales,
so in 36 degrees I wear full-length pants.
Telling myself I'll wear them again when I look good enough to, enhance.

I don't wear strips. 
Cos I overheard someone say fat girls don't suit them. 
So I wear spots,
telling myself I'll wear them again when I give the boys the, hots.

Funny thing is, I really wanted to wear that red belly top, 
so much so that one day I looked in the mirror,
hated my figure, and eating lunch I just, stopped.

Funny thing is, I really wanted to wear those jeans,
so much so that when I had a shower I turned it from burning to frozen,
cos the internet told me that'd give me the body I'd chosen.

Funny thing is, I really wanted to wear those shorts, 
so much so that I tried to eat 500 calories a day,
cos beauty is pain, well that's what they say.

Funny thing is, I really wanted to wear strips,
so much so that I spent Friday nights looking up dieting hacks,
not understanding that the word pretty does not belong on a wall plagues. 

Funny thing is, I felt this way since I was eight.
Remember the day I first understood the meaning of self-hate.
So vividly that it became a defining trait. 

Funny thing is, I have not looked in the mirror for six years,
without feeling ugly compared to my peers. 

I wondered why I felt like this,
why I couldn't find bliss.

Then I found my old diary.

Could not spell pretty but fat was as clear as day.

Funny how, that when I read it,
found it was my sister who first said it.

Funny how, it stayed in my head like glue,
twisted my view.

Funny how many hours I spent looking in the mirror, glaring hard at the distorted figure. 

Wasted so much money on face masks,
hair masks,
body butters,
face scrubs,
not forgetting, spot cream,
nose strips, 
eye patches,
wax kits,
and body rubs.

Funny how I'll probably never have enjoy of seeing beauty within me.

Funny how I'll never live body shame free.

Funny how young me didn't think it was important to write about getting student of the week,
yet thought it was important to write the word fat in,
my old diary.