My Surrender To PTSD

It's all in my head, or so I thought.

Deep in my tissue running through my veins.

The pain in my heart is so loud,

Yet the noise is mute.

Stuck in a knot

How constantly I've fought to rid this knot.

The only thing that worked was oblivion.

To seek such a thing

I used to think I could stretch out, spread my wings n fly.

But no all I did was cry.

Cry out to the empty space

No reply was given to my face.

I turned those answers in on self

Loathing and despairing

Never thought of self-caring.

The searching into those empty containers left me lost, confused and numb.

Pissed off I couldn't connect my heart, head and tum.

I was running scared and

Scared running.

Nowhere to go I wasn't even able to ebb and flow

This is it forever I thought

The constant reminder as I shut my eyes

Blink the same when open.

The sleepless nights followed

Just like the when the smoke bellowed.

Then the nightmares and noises

With the flashbacks

By hell I was on constant attack.

Keep going is what I told myself

Life could be worse or could it?

Then I folded like an envelope

Tired weary and unable to cope.

This hit me like a ton of bricks

Tired and wired my mind played tricks.

Is this for real I squealed

I don't know anymore I just want to be healed.

The nights turned to days

My life was a complete haze

Worse I thought I was in a craze.

Free falling in slow motion

All around me this commotion

Please god let me go, nowhere to turn. I really wanted to be in an urn.

My family has been through too much for this.

That would be unfair

I stood with only a stare.

What do I do?

On my knees I surrendered

The breakthrough came I found the courage to be vulnerable

Not before the twists and turns.

The pain to gain was clear

I made a commitment to recovery

This was just the start

On mending my broken heart.

Written after an Art Therapy Session. My head was buzzing with lots of things. This is written in its entirety at the time. I do not wish to edit this as knowing me I will end up perfecting it!! This cannot be perfected just like my recovery.