Never said

"And it's more than just a crush. I got love for you in my heart. I'd kill for you and die for you, live for you and cry for you. I never said this before, never felt this before. And I know it's wrong, wildly inappropriate. And it sucks that I make you uncomfortable at times, all I want to do is see you smile, and make you laugh, it's my favorite thing. I would never hurt you or bring you harm, that would be the opposite of what I feel. You're my best friend, and I got love for you in my heart." 

I never said this, instead I pushed you away and let myself be cast out and thought of as a monster. The only reason I write is so that one day my words would reach you. The only reason I carry on is with the hope that I'll see you again. Even with all the time and distance in the world between us you are still my muse. Even though I can picture you holding the hand and walking with a man much more handsome and better than I, the hopeless one. Living with the beautifully painful memories of the flickers of laughter, compassion, and acceptance stirring in your heart just before we disappeared. 

When I left you wouldn't speak to me, severed all contact, I hoped one day you'd understand, as I stand in the cold night writing. It soothed and broke my heart to be with you, it wasn't until now that I realize that the breaking was worth the soothing, as now it crumbles, I fill it with weed smoke and it turns to ashes, because of the things I never said