THE TWIT CLUB `ONE LINER`S`

Good girls, are really bad girls...

They`re just very clever.... at never getting caught!!

You don`t need a parachute to sky dive...

You only need one if you want to do it twice!!

And it`s not the fall that kills you...

It`s the nasty surprise of the sudden stop at the end... that clinches the bloody deal!!

Money can`t buy happiness...

But it makes misery bloody easier to live with though!!

I don`t suffer with insanity...

I enjoy every bloody minute of it!!

WARNING! God gave man a brain...

And a penis...

But sadly only just enough blood to run one at a time!!

Is Google male or female?...

It`s female because it never lets you finish a bloody sentence before it makes a suggestion!!

I haven`t spoken to Him Indoors for months now...

Mum told me it`s rude to interrupt when someone`s speaking!!

My husband told me to go out and get something to make him look sexy...

So I went out and got well and truly bloody sloshed!!

Behind every great man.... is a woman rolling her eyes!!

A man goes to a witch and says " Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

" Okay! " says the witch!

" Can you remember the exact words of the curse? "

The man replies " I now pronounce you man and wife!! "

Bob got himself in trouble with his wife the other day!

He had forgotten their anniversary and his wife was furious with him!!

She told him...

" Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds! and it had better bloody be there!! "

The next morning he left her gift... then quickly scarpered to work!... before she got up!

When his wife looked out the window she saw a gift wrapped box on the drive!

She excitedly went and opened it... and found a shiny new set of weighing scales with her name on them!

The neighbors haven`t seen poor Bob since.... because he`s been missing since that night!!

Old Gerty came home from visiting the doctor with a silly big grin on her chops!

Her husband Berty asked her...

" Why are you so bloody happy all of a sudden? "

Gerty says...

" The doctor said that for a 50 year old woman, I have the breasts of an 18 year old "

" Oh yeah " quipped Berty! " What did he say about your 50 year old ass then? "

Gerty says...

" Sorry pally me old lad! Your name never came up in the conversation!! "

A woman`s mind is much cleaner than a mans!....she changes it more often!!

I have as much authority as the Pope...

I just don`t have as many folk who believe it!!

Telling a woman to calm down...

Works as well as trying to baptize a cat in water!!

Of course I can keep secrets...

It`s the folk I tell them too that can`t!!

A clean and tidy house...

Is just the sign of a broken computer!!

" If I wanted to kill myself Berty me old lad...

I`d climb to the top of your ego and jump to your bloody IQ!! "

For maximum attention in any situation....

Nothing beats a bloody big mistake!!

What ever you do in life...

Always give it 100%!

Unless you`re giving blood of course!!

Him indoors sent a selfie of himself to a lonely hearts club...

They quickly sent it back...

" Sorry mate we`re not that soddin` bloody lonely!! "

" I love what you`ve done with your hair...

But how do you get it to curl out of your nostrils like that? "

" Ooh look mum... him indoors is on the roof...

He`s just a few inches away from an insurance claim....

That will totally change my miserable bloody life!! "

I`m bloody good at saving!...

I started out with nothing... and I still have most of it!!

If we are not supposed to eat late at night...

Why is there a light bulb in the bloody fridge?!

When I was at the doctors surgery and filling in a medical form the other day...

It asked me who they should call in case of an emergency?

I answered... " Why?.... haven`t you got any proper bloody doctors? "

How do you stop him indoors reading your emails?....

Rename the mail folder... Instruction Manuals!!

Why did Mrs Black Widow spider kill her mate after sex?....

To stop his bloody snoring before it started!!

I`m not dumb!....

I just have a lot of blond moments!!

Why does it take a 100 million sperm to fertilize just one egg?.....

It`s because not one of the silly little sods will stop and ask for bloody directions!!

WARNING: Going to bed on Sundays....

Causes a severe case of Mondays!!

I might drive you folks crazy, but think positive guys....

At least I take the scenic route!!

G xx