Roadtrip

For 40 years all I knew was how to bail

To walk way

To run

To fly the coup

I called it "adaptable"

"Flexible"

"Innovative"

I took pride in improvising

Got excited about each fresh start

But I know I have loose ends left untied

A trail of odorous deposits stinking up others' memories of me

Sour tastes recorded on mouths I've kissed

And now I am feeling the urge

Not that I am too indebted this time

But I feel targeted

I feel threatened

I feel humiliated

Belittled

Crushed

Defamed

If only I could move town

But I can't

Or I can

But...

There are not a few who really appreciate me

Even though I feel useless

"He'll get by on his personality." A friend of my mother once said

Is that what this has been?

Decades of superficial belonging

Will I still be of worth as I age

Does it matter?

Am I imagining a false dichotomy

Between asset and liability

As I gain weight

I feel like a dead one

A fifth wheel but not a spare

Just a flat

I can't even roll

Am just rusting away in the boot

On a roadtrip I no longer enjoy