Screen Saver

I use to keep a picture of us

My new love, my true love, I don’t know what I would do without you love…..

Then I had a picture of you,

Mysterious, so curious, who is this man I love so much and can’t stop thinking about his touch

How do I get to know this man, I wish he would ask me for my hand, in marriage that is, please cast a spell to make him love me the way I love him, so there is no other women for his eyes to see, is that to much to ask to have him love me……

Along came a picture of them,

My beautiful sons the best thing that has ever happen to me

They made me forget about everything else in the world, my horrible past, nothing could be better, wait maybe a girl.

Never, that dream can no longer be true, but I’m happy with just them and me and you……

Now there’s a picture of a young smiling me,

So young, so naive, no ambitions, no dreams, just one of a man and a family

Who is she some ask and I reply, me, don’t you recognize me we look the same

Same eyes, same smile, same skin so light, same body those legs that butt so tight

So narcissistic they say, you look at a picture of yourself everyday

I stop for a moment with embarrassment and shame and I think for a minute look how far I’v came

So many things are great for me, handsome husband, beautiful kids, I have the right to be pround

Don’t be embarrassed because you say it out loud

But just like that the smile went away, It was then I realized the truth of the matter

I have this screen saver to keep me from getting fatter, to keep me from changing from that nieve little girl, a reminder to myself of how I should look to the world, and to be a shamed for not being that same little girl, the girl the screen saver was a picture of, us then him then them then the past

In hopes that things would stay the same and would last

But things aren’t the same, that girls eyes were empty mine are bright, I have ambitions, I’ve become a little jaded and bigger and stronger an a little more complicated

So no more looking at a reflection of the past I say

But knowing how much he loves that girl makes it hard to walk away

So I keep the picture of that little girl to remind me to be naïve, and unambitous, a little innocent that way

Because the one thing that hasn’t changed is that girl with a dream, of a family who means the world

So to keep that dream she will try and remain that little girl you see, that no one recognizes as me……