Social anxiety

There is something in me that controls my life. It is not an addiction to a substance or a goal I am in pursuit of.

This thing inside of me is what causes me to be who I am, but I cannot say that I am proud of that.

I do not know 100% where this came from, but it does not matter because it worsens everyday I try to figure it out and take a look back.

Some doctors give it a fancy name, but I simply like to call it fear. Not the typical fear like a scary movie or a ghost whispering a word into your ear. This fear, this fear is much different.

This fear that not everyone can hear, that not everyone can understand, that not everyone can come to the conclusion that there is something really out out there that this kid is afraid of.

This fear is called SAD, S.A.D., Social Anxiety Disorder. An acronym so perfectly written not because it makes me sad, but because it is sad that I am fearful of something that does not exist.

I wish I could be afraid of a horror film, I wish I could be afraid of heights, I wish i could be afraid of getting mugged in an alley on my way back from school that day, I wish...

Instead, I am afraid of that which does not exist.

I am afraid that my entire life is being judged even though there is no one there to do the judging.