Soul Mate

When looking for a soul mate, look really hard and long

Be sure of what you're looking for, not Tarzan in a thong

Remember all the time you'll have to drive each other mad

Forget about the bedroom, it's the days that are usually bad

Have special things in common but keep your private space

A day can be a long time when rows have taken place

Make sure you have two bedrooms, labelled his and hers

Be sure the doors have locks on or else, have handy chairs

There's nothing worse at bedtime than sleeping with a drunk

At least if they start snoring, you can use the other bunk

You really need two bathrooms, especially nowadays

With men taking so much longer with all their pampering ways

A man who uses face cream and gels his thinning hair

Just really is not my sort, not welcome in my lair

Think of when you're getting old, the chances are you're lumbered

With someone who's a right old nag, you'll hope his days are numbered

When all your friends have lost their men, you'll envy all their freedom

When they are jetting off abroad and yours has lost his condom

You'll try in desperation to get him put away

And if you finally manage it, it's celebration day

You'll wonder why you ever tried to find a man at all

The life that you put up with, should have been a ball

The moral of this ditty is, think really hard and long

Be sure you need a soul mate, not just Tarzan in a thong.