Strange Coldness Perplexing

An Autobiographical Narrative: 1980s

                                                             

Strange Coldness Perplexing was forged

Using notes scrawled

Onto seven sides of an ancient

Now coverless notebook,

Possibly late at night

Following an evening's carousal (error: ')

And in a state of serene intoxication.

                                                             

The original notes were based

On experiences I underwent

While serving as a teacher

In a highly successful

Central London school of English,

Which I did between the spring,

Or summer, of '88 and the summer of 1990.

 

It gives some indication

Of my emotional condition at the time,

Including a tendency, as I see it,

To wildly veer between

The conscious effusive affectionateness

I aspired to, and sudden irrational

Involuntary lapses of affect.

                                                             

It also bespeaks the intense devotion

I manifested towards my favourite students

And which was reciprocated by them with interest.

All punctuation was removed around 2007,

And extracts tacked together,

Not randomly as in the so-called cut up technique

But selectively and all but sequentially.

                                                             

Strange Coldness Perplexing

                                                             

the catholic nurse

all sensitive

caring noticing

everything

what can she think

of my hot/cold torment

 

always near blowing it

living in the fast lane

so friendly kind

the girls

dewy eyed

wanda abandoned me

bolton is in my hands

 

and yet my coldness

hurts

the more emotional

they stay

trying to find a reason

for my ice-like suspicion

fish eyes

coldly indifferent eyes

suspect everything that moves

 

socialising just to be loud

compensate for cold

lack of essential trust

warmth

i love them

despite myself

my desire to love

is unconscious and gigantesque

 

i never know

when i'm going to miss someone

strange coldness perplexing

i've got to work to get devotion

but once i get it

i really get people on my side

there are my people

who can survive

my shark-like coldness

and there are those

who want something

more personal

i can be very devoted to those

who can stay the course

 

my soul is aching

for an impartial love of people

i'm at war with myself.

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