Strangled up

Its funny how when i seat back and think, ill get angryer from all the constant hurt deciet of the angryer, im strangled up within this rope i hope, im able to breath but it seems when i gasp for air I'm weakening, it gets tighter the stronger i tighten my fist and pull this rope from my wind pipe, i fight believing if i give up i soon I will die at a early age, from the rage I'm starting not able to contain, my mind frame is beginning to down grade the ways i have been slaved from the ones whom i thought one day i would praise, while im still struggling to gasp for air i dare one mishap to make my situation unfair and thats my trap always waiting for my down falls i seat there, with a remote control and a nice leather chair making my self available for this rope i seat there ha! Hanging myself like its a dare i seat there getting caught in this rope making my hope blow up i prevoke that theres no hope, so why gasp for air when i can just seat there? And end my life with a price i would later have to pay leaving my kids with no roses to smell as they get older leaving them without a lack of knowledge hoping one day they will understand that i was! Alone in this world with no knowledge of my own because i choose not to do things on my own, instead of taking control i completely let go! what is a rose with no sun, it will only dry out and get burnt, and its head will lean over dead as though i when i gasped for no air! Im stupid for seating there but hey i think they will accept me better this way....... i say, as i hang from this tan rippled rope slumped for display, praying to god to end my shame, its a shame i feel ashamed praying to god to obtain back my mind frame but god says its okay! To prAy especially when things aren't ok so i pray and as im hanging there, its as though god stood a mirror before me and i seen my self not only my reflection but my soul, lost as though a spirit bent out of shape i cry! Living a life thats not even a life who am i? To take my own life that isn't even mine I'm done crying, I'm done dien, spending time trying to define who I am, when I am a simple gesture a simple goodbye as hello I am love I am the truth and the life I am a believer in Jesus Christ and that's the only advice I need to proceed so let me untie these negative vibes and  get out this leather chair I'm done seating there I'm done hanging myself who's going to care even after my death, no one but me and the constant reminder of me killing myself over negative energy...