The Absense Of Fatherhood

she had grown up with the same father
the one that spat labels and commands down at her like she was nothing more than a dog
the one that left scars that haunted her future
and even after the tissue had healed
the bumps on her uneven skin  
still made her lose her breath whenever someone’s fingers lingered too long

she swore to herself she would do better
that she would never settle for less than worthy
she told herself every night 
that she deserved better 
than what her father gave her mother
while listening to the cries of pain
and the glass shattering against the wall

she swore she would never reach the level of weakness
of letting a man control the way she walked and talked
and she swore she would never hide her bruises under expensive sweaters
that were bought the day after the brawl
but instead role up her sleeves and educate kids that this was not normal, that this was not love

but at age 19 she met a man 
who was mishandled and angry
a man who was ravenous to hurt
who's soul grieved so much that he masked it 
behind the abuse of his childhood
and when she married into her worst nightmare 
she couldn't help but think this is what she deserved

but little did she know
she was facing the devil
and how his horns would grow over the years
how they would stab the blood stained walls 
trapping and lodging her head in between
how she would slide down the wall with shaking limbs and a cracked voice 
leaving a streak a blood as a sign of strength and fight
but when reaching the floor
she lost all sense of hope and motivation

so she settled with those horns 
and she tricked herself into thinking that this was love
that the way his arms latched onto her body 
and the way he shook her to her core
was not abuse but rather an act of frustration that came from her actions 
so she tried to fix herself and became weaker than she would like to admit

but then, every now and then
a little voice would remind her 
how he screamed at her when she tripped 
and how he reminded her of her father
the rage grew in her stomach over the years
so when he told their kids they were mistakes
she went against everything she had been taught 
by her mother

she no longer stood there crying silently but now swore at the clouds
with raging fists and handfuls of her hair
she no longer let him win
but now looked at the coward and unmasked him
revealing broken glass and piercing red eyes, cracking and falling, slicing his limbs
but she lost her empathy 
when she saw the knife hidden behind his back 
and once and for all
she brought the fight she had hidden away 
that he had buried so deep
and fought the horns