the girl you love the mostest

this is kinda a long story through time so bear with me
also I scribbled out a lot of the pictures because I’m not sharing anybody’s instagram because that would literally tell everyone where I live and stuff and I’m not posting anything without people’s permission, I just need to show the post and it will make sense later 
also this took me an hour to write so you better love it or I’m going to have a mental breakdown probably 

6 years old

i had been friends with L since two weeks old
we had been joined at the hip since we met
her family was my family, my family hers
we were at a neighborhood family party
and a girl from my school, E’s, family was there
i wasn’t friends with her exactly but I knew her
i went to get olives from the kitchen
and E was getting olives too
we smiled at each other and decided to play
i brought her to L, introduced them
weeks later, I was still best friends with L
but E had become part of my life too
we would read books on the porch together 
every Friday when we were in kindergarten 
E and L were friends, but not very close at that point

8 years old

i was still friends with E and L and
they were closer to each other too
we went to the pool together with our families 
because our younger siblings were around the same age
we played spies and hid 
in the mini whirlpools, our feelings mixed up
and we kissed each other because it was truth or dare
it was platonic and made sense
it wasn’t a huge deal, it was just what we did

10 years old

E started dancing at the same studio
as L and I had been at
she always quit after a few weeks so
i knew it wasn’t going to last
i only danced part of the year
in the winters and summers outside of soccer season
but i had been doing that for years at this point
we had our winter recital and I said bye to the girls
that I wouldn’t see until the summer
L was talking to our dance teacher 
and after class, she excitedly said,
“I got asked to be part of the advanced classes
I’m so proud” and I celebrated 
because I was proud but I wanted that to be me
the weeks went by and E still didn’t quit
and halfway through the spring, got asked
to join the advanced classes too
I was so jealous but couldn’t do anything
until the summer

that spring, me and L’s families had brunch
we didn’t eat, we played in my room the whole time
we pretended that L was my boyfriend
but I was cheating on L with another girl too
and basically kissed a bunch and whatever
still completely platonically
we went to her house to keep playing the game
and she showed me her new onesie she got
she was changing back into her normal clothes
when her mom knocked on the door
L opened the door and her mom asked what we were doing
L said “I was just showing (Lex but actually real name here)
my new onesie!” And I added
“it’s very cute!”
her mom looked puzzled, then asked 
if she could talk to L downstairs 
they went downstairs and I listened through the vent
I heard “we don’t change in front of people
that’s just weird and not something you should do”
which I found weird because L’s mom
let us shower together and sleep together 
and all these things that realistically 
were weirder than changing in front of each other
L muttered okay and then came up and got me
she said “I think you should go now”
so I did

12 years old

COVID happened and the world shut down
I didn’t do summer dance the summer before
but things were going back to normal
I was in 6th grade and things were looking up
I was doing school basketball but also
I signed up for dance classes again
me, E, and another girl from our school
on Tuesdays and Thursdays,
we would drive downtown to go to dance
have three to four hours of dance
and go home except
catalyst, the advanced dance, was after that
L and E would do that together and all I wanted
was to be good enough for catalyst
I was in a dance level with younger kids (2nd-4th graders)
solely because I couldn’t do dance during COVID
I was better than all of them, even though I was self-taught
I probably should’ve been in the higher levels
because I was better than some of the higher level kids
but I wasn’t and that sucked
L wouldn’t talk to me, hadn’t talked to me since
she told me to leave her house over two years ago
E was better friends with L than me, and vice versa

a few weeks later, the dance season was over
and E stopped being friends with me
she was “friendly” but not kind
L wouldn’t talk to me and
I felt like I lost everything and everybody
6th grade was the worst year of my life

13 years old (but 8th grade)

in 8th grade, our grade went to a sea camp
for a week to learn about conservation and the ocean
and E was in my group 
we were nice to each other but didn’t talk much
and on the last night, we were going stir crazy
and she just freaked out
she yelled and yelled and wouldn’t stop
and I realized
at that moment
that I was glad I wasn’t friends with her anymore

Now

im in high school and I have better friends and
I miss L, like, a lot
I don’t miss E but I miss L and they’re still friends
I remembered for the first time a few months ago
everything that had happened between me and L
and I realized something that I’d probably known for a while
but I had and still have romantic feelings for her
I wanted to text but I didn’t know how
and then our lives both imploded

my brother can’t walk all of a sudden and L’s cousin is paralyzed 
so I texted her to tell her that I thinking of her
and I hoped her cousin was okay
she replied so I started texting her more
and she took forever to respond but we will text once a day
just about school and whatever but I crave it
even though I know she’s just going to keep hurting me
today is Valentine’s Day
and L finally let me follow her on instagram
her Valentine’s Day post was about E
and I’m so mad because I know they’re platonic
and L is probably not straight but pretending to be
but I’m mad because they only met because of me
and they both used me to get each other
but I’m glad L got
”the girl you love the mostest”
even when I wish that girl was me