The inner turmoil

If you know, 
then you know,
You can't describe it ,
How you feel
Not even to yourself,
Your family worry,
They beg you to get help,
But it won't work.
They can't rewire your brain
If you are broken
Like me 
I know you feel the same
You try,
you smile
No one knows, 
It's inside
Your dirtly little secret
You feel you have to hide
No one notices
They never see
That the person
You pretend to be
Is a person who is not real,
Yeah you smile
You fake it every day
You become accustomed to just acting that way
But if they looked
Deep inside
They would know
That when you smile
The fake smile you do so well
It does not reach your eyes
It is all just pretend 

Don't get me wrong
I want to change 
Be like everyone else, 
Be the same
Be normal,
a new version of me
But no,
In all honesty 
I know it will never be 
I think Im wired wrong
I'm as bad as bad can be.
My brain 
My stupid brain
Sometimes
I feel nothing
Mostly I feel pain
Not physical 
Not unless I hurt myself
Yet just another side affect
Of my fucked up mental health
I've tried 
I've tried my vey best
To think the way i should do
To give my fucked up brain a rest
But it refuses to obey
Even if my thoughts are bad
It's like it knows nothing else
Except how to make me sad
So I have tried and I can't give you anymore.
I know it's not right but it's too persistent to ignore that
Sometimes
I just want to say goodbye 
Close my eyes
Visit family in the sky
Not every day
Just now and then
those are the messed up thoughts
That are running through my head
I love my family 
I know that They love me
They are the only reason
That I don't give in and leave
But still 
that thought is there
I know it's bad
But sometimes I don't care
Not about my family
Or anything at all
Not about me
Especially not me
Not about anything
Except my state of misery
I don't feel 
Like I am worth the the exsistence tht they bestoowed on me
Not worth the space
Or the oxygen I breathe 
that it would be a better world 
If that world did not include me
I can't help it
I jate my life
I hate myself
Not worth the air 
I wish I did
But sometimes I just don't care
Not about anything
I've had enough
Yeah I know what they say
sometimes life is tough
But for me it's not just that
It's not just having a bad time
Or things are a bit rough 
The hard times 
Fells like every day
they hit me harder 
And the good times they just don't last
Not long enough
Enough for me
They are just a passing phase
A distant memory
I try my best 
But I am so unhappy
My world 
the world I have
just crashes down
Like the heaviest weight 
I just can't carry it
I'm not strong enough
To hold this weight
When the pesrson that I am 
Holds so much self hate
I hatred I can't get rid of 
even under all this weight.
I might look on the outside that I'm tough
I'm just a silly little girl
Who is mentally fucked up.