THE TWIT CLUB TITLED "HIM INDOORS!"
Q: Donald Trump is on a sinking ship! Who gets saved? A: The Country!!
I could hear a funny rattling noise! It turned out to be Him indoors thinking hard and looking puzzled. He asked me..." Why are me keys always in the last place I bloody look? " I laughed and said..." Of course they are ya silly sod! Why would ya keep looking for them after you`ve found them! "
Q: What do you call a man with half a brain? A: Gifted!
The silly bugger thought he`d buy me a sex toy for Christmas. So he went into the local sex shop and with a blush he asked where the vibrators were. The salesman said... " They`re over there on the back wall sir " Him indoors spotted a nice big red one and asked the salesman how much it was. The salesman looked over and said..." That`s not for sale sir...it`s our fire extinguisher! "
How does him indoors moonwalk? He pulls down his boxers and slides his bum along the floor!
He went to buy a pizza for his tea. The girl serving him says..." Would you like it cut into six or twelve slices? " He said.... " Six please dear, I couldn`t possibly manage to eat twelve! "
He decided to go hunting the other day and dug out his best pea shooter. After a while I phoned him and asked if he`d found any tracks yet? He chuckled and said " Yes love I`ve just spotted them " Four hours later he dragged himself through the door and he was in one hell of a bloody state. I asked him what happened and he said... " I found the tracks alright, followed them, and got hit by a dirty bloody big train!! "
He broke his leg clearing up the leaves last autumn. When I asked him what had happened, he howled and said " I fell out of the bloody tree!! "
He took me to see the animals in the zoo the other day. When I spotted a Tiger I said " Look at that Tiger with one eye " He shuts one eye and shouts " Where? "
What`s the difference between him indoors and a super market trolley? The trolley has a mind of its own!!
He went to the pub the other night for a pint with his mate. He spotted the buxom blonde barmaids nametag on her left boob and said... " Oh it`s Debbie is it?!...that`s a cute name!...What do you call the right one then? "
He found a little bag of his mates oregano and put it on his spagetti for his lunch, now he can`t figure out why he`s had the bloody giggles ever since!!
He spotted a text the son had sent to his girlfriend.... It said..." I`m gonna tear your pussy apart tonight " He shouted to me " That`s it! That young man is grounded now, I won`t tollerate animal cruelty in our house!! "
He thinks the daughter is now the secret police!....He`s just found a vibrating truncheon under her pillow!!
His best mate is always tending to his indoor plants....but him indoors can`t figure out why he grows all his plants in the loft!!
He heard the son`s girlfriend screaming " Oh God, oh God " one night, he whispered to me...." I`m so glad he`s found a nice religious girlfriend at last "
He`s convinced that his mate wants to become a pilot, he keeps talking about getting high!
Our naughbour asked me the other day why him indoors always smiles in a lightning storm?!! I said " Because the silly bloody sod thinks he`s getting his picture taken! "
G xx
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funny funny funny thank you
Hi my Greg,
Thank you sweetie for the compliment and I`m glad you got a laugh out of them.
Love G xx
Okay dammit!
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!
Why do I hate you?
Because I loved every freaking funny joke you wrote,
I feel like deleting my entry, because I haven't got a snowballs chance in Hell of winning!!!
This is an embarrassment to my male ego.
The "Damsel" has defeated the "Dashing White Knight"!!!
Gotta go now, heading to the hospital to get my balls reattached.
L xxx
Ya`r a wuss when it comes ta tusslin with ya ald beloved here.....hee heeeee!!!! A told ya a would give ya a bloody good seein ta didn`t a?? Admit it....ya know ya love it!!!!!
Yal always be me ald pet Knight in that there rusty bloody tin a yours, even if ya`r in need of a bloody touch up!!!!! Tell our Linda ta get the ald Brasso out so ya can get spittin, it`ll keep ya out a bloody trouble for a while, while ya go an ave a bloody good sulk under the bed with that there pet lip....... lol!!!! Would ya like me ta send ya a bloody big bucket a super glue over for them there man bits that ave come loose again...hee heeee!!!
I enjoyed that tussle with ya me ald buster! Don`t panic our kid ya ave till Monday mornin ta the finish line, ya never know ya might scrape through with the skin a ya pet lip coz a was late puttin em on, al give me ald man a break an see what happens, but don`t go beggin, ya wuss!!!!
A still love ya
Love G xxxxxxx
Now you've gone and done it! Rub salt in my wound. This calls for all out war. I have personal connections with a long, lost relative of Merlin, who incidentally, came to America to learn to speak proper English, and loved it so much here, that he decided to stay, for he knew when he wanted to view the Royal Jewels, he could merely pull down his pants instead of going to the "Tower of London". I've just spoken with him and he has assured me that with the aid of his magic, I will never lose another Twit Contest to you. He was also most helpful in deciphering that gibberish that you wrote. I'm going to lick my wounds for now, but from this day forward, I vow to give you a licking in every future Twit Contest.
I Love You Too,
L xxxxxxx
You Yanks don`t talk proper English... my butt ya do!!!!!!!!! You would deffinately be confused even more if you actually heard how these folk talk up here in Geordie Land kiddo!! But I`ll have you know that I personally actually speak the Queens English!.... Okay so this is war is it buster?? You`d better sharpen that tool of yours then... coz I`m a gonna get ya...AGAIN!!!!....Give me a licking!....Ha!....what do ya think I am a bloody lolly?!!!!
Dream on Twit Features!.... As they say in the Twit Club bar....you`ve got two hopes....No hope and Bob Hope!
Love ya
G xx
You may speak the "Queen's English", but here in America we speak the "King's English", for they are by far, the better known rulers. And by the way, my tool is as sharp as any "Wilkinson Sword". I could tell you if I thought you were "a bloody lolly" if I knew what it freakin' meant. The closest thing we have to that in America is a "lollypop" but I know that's not what you've made reference to, because it's so much sweeter than you. You forgot about my third major hope, "The Hope Diamond", which, also like Merlin's lost relative, used to reside in England, but now has moved to the warmer climate of America. I "hope" these words have petrified you, because, I shall never lose another battle. Ta, Ta, Tootsie!!
I still love you,
L xxx
Didn`t Liz Taylor once have that diamond?
How can you speak the King`s English when ya haven`t got a bloody King ya silly sod!? If they are the better rulers... then why haven`t you Yanks got one over there???.....lol! Or is that next on Trump`s to-do-list?!!! Lord help us all!!!!!
Love G xx
You are "hopeless". Richard Burton gave her the "Krupp Diamond". Not even he could have ever afforded to buy the "Hope Diamond".
I speak the King's English because I am married to a Queen, and learned it through osmosis. But, I guess we've finally agreed on something, your take on Trump.
Love
L xxx
`Krup` sounds like a flippin` disease!! I suppose she used to live in `Hope` of getting the other one then did she!?
G xx
I "Hope" we're done talking about this flippin' diamond! If you want to talk more about diamonds, let's talk baseball.
L xxx
LOL..This is hilarious Mum....you got me laughing real good...Thanks for making my day...I'm very very proud of my Mum
Love you very much
Hi Rosebud,
Thank you for that lovely comment and I`m chuffed that you enjoyed them sweetie. I`ve had fun writing them all.
I love you
Mum xx
*ROLLS ON FLOOR LAUGHING MY BUTT OFF*
HAHAHA LOVED IT ♡M
Hi Manon,
Thank you sweetie for reading and commenting on these, I`m so thrilled that you liked them. My poor old fella gets some stick doesn`t he!.... lol!
Love G xx
Hi again Manon,
The Twit Club is a little light hearted game that I came up with a while ago. Larry and I challenge each other to see who can make folk laugh with the jokes. I started the club a while ago and there are quite a few `Twit Club` entries on my list now with the same title that you can read for a bit of fun and I hope they help to cheer you up sweetie as that`s what the club is all about. I thought it would be fun. We would love you to join the club for some fun with your jokes too if you wish, the more the merrier. We give ourselves two days to see who gets the most views and comments to see who`s won. As you can see by our banter on here we have a lot of fun doing them.
God bless you. I would also like to welcome you to the Cosmo Family, you will make lots of friends and there are a lot of very talented people on here for you to enjoy. I promise to read all your work and comment on them for you and I will certainly recommend your work to all my friends too as you are a very talented writer and a joy to read.
Lots of love
G xx
Thank you so much G. I like the idea of the twit club lol!
I`m thrilled that you like it Manon and I look forward to reading your jokes, it will give Larry a kick up the butt to worry about because it`s even more competition for him. We are going to have great fun now.
Love G xx