THEN

"I had flooded much and irrigated little".

     That quote was Written when I was 29 just about a month before turning 30, based on my reflections in an old diary.  I see a progression in me, but a slow one.  Moving from being petty to phases of being empty, to phases of being angry and hollow inside, to phases of despair in trying to extract self knowledge by any redundant means I could dream up...it's just growing up, that that's all a part of.  If we are honest none of us are all-mightily great, we all messed up parts of our expression or approach to our lives in some key ways, we all disappointed people, whether it's ourselves or others...perfection is an illusion...there is only order and chaos, and I am one of those people that can never quite tell the two apart in a definitive way.But then again I am being a mix of dramatic and melodramatic...to be sure.  In fact, no one being perfect makes room for forgiving ourselves and seeing through some values and the need to not perfect once and for all time....but improve ongoingly.  When we are young we can be unreasonably self antagonizing, and unrealistic with our goals. The following is not self antagonism but a harsh self criticism, followed by a hopeful assessment to critique the value of my observation in my quote.  The quote is poetic so I have included it here.

     I know I am a nobody...not famous, but that is not a bad thing.  I may be someone important to a few people and that's enough. I know I am not someone to be celebrated, and it's not that I am narcissistic, but I want to be important, I want to be special in some way.  I want to work harder, I want to be creative and shape people's creative imaginations with a vision that invokes their improved experience...in ways that are admirable.  I just noticed that improvised and improved might share a common root. I know my life has been wasted and a disappointment to my loved ones... my father in particular was never impressed with my slacker ways.  I know I am lazy and I want change desperately.  There was a pattern of Money problems, relationship issues, intelligence challenges, sloth, greed kept in check by a sort of experiment with dependency on others.  I fail perhaps even in affirming what I am, what I cannot hold in is the need to out of pride be something greater, this drives me onwards. 

     I have gradually grown from a very stupid young man to a man of some maturity and intelligence and wisdom. OK I JUST read more of my diaries and I was never stupid, but I made mistakes that are epic, and was slow to change for the better. TO my credit, I have many skills.  I am very social, I have a good sense of humour, and I have a great imagination these are my strong points.  I have a slightly above average working memory.  I memorize things like my VISA card, my SIN number, telephone numbers, I get fluid and fluent with what I need. I set goals and keep to them.  I never give up, and I work hard and generate fluency with things like multitasking, setting great goals...some of which are unattinable I am ambitious, I am easily however distracted and have cognitive impairments.  When I would read I would constantly interrupt my reading with "You're so stupid" I was self abusive, that's gone away...  I believe in myself a lot more. 

     I want to be one of the greatest people I can ever be, the best of all possible versions of myself.  I want to compete with my potential, with the idea of me, I want to set goals and achieve them all, even if some are unrealistic seeming.  I want to build empires based on my insights and work, creative traditions, an empire of community.  I want to change the world. I will go far if I just work at it continually.  We reap what we sow.  I want to share with you what I have found works.  Suggest good goals to yourself, and believe in yourself, remember it's better to be slightly overconfident than to struggle with low self opinion constantly.  Oftentimes Suggestion fulfills destiny as fate conditions possibility. Suggestion is destiny.  If you like me struggled to become someone, and are without being smug happy with your direction, Kudo's to you, self transformation begins with how you delight in your own change.  Remember dissatisfaction is sometimes sign that you have core values and appreciate the direction of your change.  Dissatisfaction means you want improvement, and a big part of self knowledge is knowing how you improve yourself and set your goals.  By preparing yourself for worthwhile goals, you shape the destiny of our shared potential, and bring it to the apex of its most ideal form.

Good luck and godspeed.  The revolution begins soon.