Thinking

I’m thinking. Just thinking like I always am,
Thinking of what has been and what will be 
Counting the mistakes;
Then counting again 
And again a few more times just to try and find:
A success, a win, a positive thing,
Just something that isn’t a mistake.
Please just something that isn’t a mistake.
But there is nothing 
No matter how hard I search there is nothing.

I’m thinking. Just thinking like I always am.
Thinking of what has been and what will be
Reenacting situations long buried in history and rehearsing ones to come that will surely also be lost in the not so distant future anyway 
All the while repeating, repeating again what is the point of this?
No answer is needed, it’s obvious, there is no point.
Its stupid, pointless, a mind game manipulating life into a battle 
It’s you against yourself 
Not even you against life, the world 
Just you against yourself - the battle with the most bloodshed 
 

I’m thinking
Constantly thinking 
Mind going 100 miles and hour 
Stuck in a circle 
Entangles in a life composed only out of weighing the possibilities, calculating the right and wrong, trying to decide the probabilities of good and bad 
My head is an ongoing battle of maths, always trying to find the solution to an equation, trying to find x, y, z 
But in maths there is only ever one right answer 
So maybe maths isn’t in my head, in my head there is no answer 
No right, no wrong, no correct method 
There is nothing simple in my head
My head is just thoughts 
My my is just noise
My thoughts are nightmares terrorising the little bit of sanity left in me 

Always thinking, thoughts getting quicker, briefer, even more unpredictable and each one comes with a new challenge and new impossibility 
Always looking for something 
Always looking for the right something 
Always looking for the something that is never there 
But again still searching
And again nothing 
There is nothing in my head
Nothing in my brain 
Nothing in my feelings 
I am nothing.