The toxic type

i am a fighter. the most competitive and the most unforgiving. my heart is wilted, but i will take it. and so will you.

my punching bag.

worn from my incessant bickering.

torn from my attempts to rip apart your spirit. but you.

 you roll with the punches. you feed my fire. and i ask you to feed my fire.

crumple my insecurities and toss them in a waste basket.

 relentless but restless. persistent. insistent. why. why do you brace and watch. me. crossing my fingers. hoping the ice will crack.

take us down. make us drown.

i fall and will fall. into a million pieces. again and again. pathetic and needy.

 wanting you to need to me. wanting you to leave me for someone else’s taking.

 someone else’s breaking. but you don’t. you get down. on your hands and your knees. with a magnifying glass.

looking for the pieces that fit together. every bit and every glimmer of my complication. my skeleton of a soul. why. why when i leave you to find me in the dark.

 my ruthless game of hide and seek. to find me. to unwind me. catch me and grind me. the ways i grind you. leaving you without any light. without a way back to me.

do it yourself.

i am relentless but restless. persistent. insistent. but still you play. you stay. why, why do you stay. waiting until i decide to switch the light back on. until i decide to give up. you think you will win. but i am the toxic type. the no missed calls.

the watch you fall. the one who wants you to hurt. become bruised. and become used. become just like me. the needs to push you away. but wants you to stay. my heart is hard. my heart is tough. and you will never, ever understand.

that love means surrender. to you. to me. and to all that i am.