Why?

Why must we complicate life when it’s already so complicated?
Why must I do this to myself? 
I don’t know the answer to these questions yet 
and I hoped by writing all this down, 
it would help me get to the conclusion 
that everyone has been waiting for; Why? 
Instead, I’m now realizing that there’s an even bigger question. 
Why don’t I ever want to help myself? 
I keep sinking yet I don’t shake off my shackles that hold me. 
They are heavily weighted with doubt and questions 
that are drowning me over time. 
I’ve always had the key to release me 
but I’ve convinced myself 
that I do not have the mental capacity to apply it. 
If only I would use it.
If only I stopped making excuses and putting it off. 
If I did, I could then start swimming to the top. 
To the surface. 
The surface that has been shown to me many times before. 
The surface that I thought I wanted. 
The surface that I thought would end all my suffering.
And maybe, just maybe, 
if I reached the top of the water, I may just find land.